Oklahoma City Priest Finally Wins Salvation After Joining Forces With Golden State Clergy
June 13, 2017 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
Image: Andrew Hermiz Golden State clergy won eternal salvation last night after they defeated priests in the diocese of Cleveland in a dazzling display of conversions. Determined to make amends for last liturgical season’s debacle, when they allowed Cleveland priests to come back from a 3 to 1 conversion deficit in one of the most stunning and memorable comebacks in Church history, Oakland-based priests came out with an incredible show of spiritual resolve... Read More
USCCB Announces Plans To Come Out With Dark, Gritty Reboot Of The Mass
June 9, 2017 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
In an effort to attract more young people, the USCCB announced today that they will begin working on a dark, gruesome, and gritty reboot of the Novus Ordo. Speaking with EOTT, Bishop Robert Lombardo, who came up with the idea for the reboot, said that they hope to begin saying the new Mass beginning next fall. “Right now we’re just beginning to work on the new translation, which we’re tentatively calling ‘The Mass: Rise of the Godman.’” Lombardo... Read More
Taylor Swift Joins Convent After Several Unsuccessful Relationships
June 6, 2017 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
Image: Eva Rinaldi After several public failed relationships and an embarrassing 8-months without a boyfriend, award winning singer-songwriter Taylor Swift announced today via Twitter that she was leaving the music industry to become a nun. “With some prayer, and lots of thinking about boys, I’ve decided to become a nun,” she wrote on Twitter. Swift’s agent Rod Steelman confirmed this morning that she has been accepted into the... Read More
New Matt Fradd Anti-Porn Book Just 90-Pages Of Your Mother Staring Disappointedly At You
June 1, 2017 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
Matt Fradd has announced that his new anti-porn book, titled, “Oh My Goodness, What’re You Watching?” by You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself Press will be published just in time for Mother’s Day 2018. The 90-page book of your dear, aging mother who raised you to be better than that is rumored to contain no words, for words cannot express the sorrow and disappointment your mother would feel if she knew you looked at such trash, but... Read More
Montana Bishop Candidate Allegedly Body Slams Catholic News Agency Reporter
Bodyslam-Hugo Fernandes Just days after rumors emerged that Montana priest Fr. Gregory Forte could be made a bishop, reports that he apparently attacked a Catholic News Agency reporter the night before the pope made his final decision has thrown the diocese into turmoil. Political reporter for Catholic News Agency Mary Rezac claimed late Wednesday night that while asking Forte a question regarding how silly altar girls look when they wear high heels,... Read More