White Supremacist Catholic Really Hoping That Heaven Is Segregated
Cradle Catholic and longtime white supremacist Jacob Baton told those gathered at a local rally Monday that he was really hoping, though pretty darn sure, that heaven was segregated. The 43-year-old father of five said that the thought came to him as he was in line to receive communion yesterday. “I was thinking about how if logic prevails, as well as justice, races would have to be segregated in heaven. I mean, I’m not saying that I don’t... Read More
Swiss Guard To Modernize Uniforms To Hipster Jeans And Beanies
August 4, 2017 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
It was announced today that the Swiss Guard’s uniform will be changed to a more modern hipster look. Pontifical Swiss Guard Commandant Daniel Anrig told Guards gathered at the annual When Do We Get To See Some Action Jamboree that the traditional “uniform” worn by the Knights will be replaced so as to be more appealing to millennials. Instead of the well-known European Renaissance-style uniform, the average member of the Swiss... Read More
Sophisticated Lefeverist Smuggling Tunnel Found Under Vatican Walls
August 2, 2017 by Admin
Filed under Libs & Trads
The largest cross-boarder Lefeverist smuggling tunnel to date was discovered in a midnight raid earlier today by Swiss Guards. The smugglers fled, abandoning contraband with a street value of over 3 million euros. Smuggled goods found included pirated copies of “Teach Yourself Latin” software, DVD’s of “The Cardinal,” as well as thousands of copies of Familiaris Consortio and the Decrees of the Council of Trent.... Read More
Catholic Church Says No To Gluten-Free Catholics Entering Heaven
July 13, 2017 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
Image: Paterm [News Brief] A new letter to Catholic bishops this week from the Vatican has sparked outrage from gluten-free Catholics who learned that they cannot attain salvation no matter how holy they are. The announcement drew criticism from many in the Church, though the letter simply reaffirmed a centuries-old teaching stating that gluten-free Catholics are not in full communion with the Church, and are therefore cut off from the saving grace... Read More
Catholic Mom Confident That Nice, Pretty Girl Who Sits Behind Her At Mass Would Be Perfect For Her Deadbeat Son
July 11, 2017 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
The mother of local deadbeat Anthony Green confirmed to friends and family today that the sweet, pretty girl that sits behind her at Mass on Sundays would be “just perfect” for her son. Tamara Green, mother of four, excitedly told those gathered at their weekly bingo night that the “adorable thing” is just what her son needed to get his life on track. “When I first saw her, I definitely thought she could be the one I’ve been... Read More