Vatican Investigating Possible Russian Orthodox Hack Of 2013 Papal Elections

In a surprise press conference today, Monsignor Buonarroti, Head of the Catholic Internet Agency (CIA), affirmed that in 2013 Russian Orthodox hackers infiltrated the Vatican servers in an attempt to sway the outcome of the latest Papal Conclave that elected Pope Francis. The hack was traced to a group of seminarians based out of a small seminary in suburban Moscow.

“They wanted to sew seeds of confusion in the Catholic Church to bring it more in line with a Russian Orthodox doctrinal policy,” Buonarroti told EOTT.  He went on to say that the attempts by the Russians did not have any real effect, and that any similarities in doctrinal approaches between the Russian Orthodox Church and the Vatican on certain issues were purely coincidental.

Others, though, insist that a number of Cardinals at the Conclave were unknowingly swayed by the fake news stemming from the Russian group.

“The Russians really made a mess of the Vatican,” reported a source from the Sovereign Military Order of Malta who declined to be named because he does not have authority to speak publicly.

In addition, the FBI swiftly released a statement critical of the CIA’s findings.

“The hack was clearly in retaliation against the traditional Roman policy towards Russia.  As a lay movement, the Fatima Believers Institute (FBI) will continue to demand that the entire Catholic episcopacy, along with the Pope, will intervene in Russia.  We have a mandate from heaven and the job was only half done.”

When told of the FBI’s statement and pressed for a clear ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer as to whether Rome’s past spiritual intervention was successful, an exasperated Buonarroti replied, “We do not give binary answers to complicated consecration questions.”