Trump Overturns Roe v. Wade

Just a day after Donald Trump shocked the world by defeating Hillary Clinton in a bitterly contested presidential race, the 70-year-old president-elect announced today that he has already overturned Roe v. Wade, as most Christians had expected him to do.

“I pledged to every Christian in our land that I would make America great again, and that the Church would no longer have its rights trampled on,” Trump told Catholic supporters gathered in New York City. “As of one hour ago, I spoke with Barack Obama to inform him that I have not only overturned Roe v. Wade, but that I have repealed Obamacare, shut down every transgender restroom, and made sure every transgender person in the country is in therapy. Yes, they’re all in therapy or in jail now. I get along with everyone, so when I told them my plans, they said I was right. Believe me.”

Trump went on to fulfill the dreams of millions of Americans that voted for him by announcing that he had, just moments before taking the stage, defeated ISIS, “including its founder, Barack Obama.”

“ISIS is no more,” Trump continued. “I said I’d do it and I did it. Believe me. I’m also happy to announce that, as of ten minutes ago, there’s not a single illegal immigrant left in the country, and that everyone American is now employed. Lastly, as many of you may have noticed, our great nation is now enclosed in a giant dome. I originally wanted a wall, but when I put my heart into something, I go all the way. Now Mexicans won’t be able to enter our country and celebrities won’t be able to flee to Canada. America is truly great again.”

At press time, Trump staffers are walking around the hall handing out free semiautomatics.