Eucharistic Minister Sanitizing Hell Out Of Hands Before Distributing Communion

Local Eucharistic Minister Courtney Smith has been sanitizing the living hell out her hands for the past two minutes in preparation to distribute Holy Communion, parishioners are reporting.

According to parishioners at the 9:30 morning Mass at St. Kieran Catholic Church, 57-year-old Smith was seen “pumping the crap out of the sanitizing dispenser like there was no tomorrow.”

“She’s actually still up there sanitizing away,” parishioner Joseph Koscheka told EOTT as he watched Smith proudly look at the congregation as she pumped the living day lights out of the poor dispenser. “Now look at her…the woman’s actually sanitizing all the way up to her elbows. Wait a minute…she seriously just slapped some on her face like an old man slapping on aftershave.”

A few minutes later, Koscheka reported that, although Smith had finally begun to distribute communion, she had taken out a bottle of hand sanitizer from her pocket and was now using it after every parishioner approached her for communion.

At press time, Koscheka has decided to just go up and receive communion from one of the other 50 or so Eucharistic Ministers of Holy Communion.