Vatican Approves New Emoji Translation Of Mass

The Vatican announced today that Pope Francis has approved a new emoji translation of the Mass to help young adults more actively follow along during church services.

“We’ve found that most young adults can no longer read complete sentences or even complete words,” said Vatican spokesman Ronaldo Bernini, going to say that the minority of young adults that can read, cannot do so fast enough to keep up with the blistering pace of the Mass. “We still have some work to do before the final version comes out. We’ve hired over one hundred teenagers to look over the new missal and to see whether, for instance, our choice of a clover is the best emoji for the word consubstantial.”

Bernini said that he hopes the new missal will not only help young adults better understand the Mass, but that it might also help parents learn how to tell their children that they love and miss them without having to “navigate the treacherous waters of actually having to talk.”