Cardinal Dolan, Pope Francis Can’t Seem To Find A Case For Excommunicating Andrew Cuomo

Image: Pat Arnow   Conceding that, though the Catholic Church would no longer tolerate blasphemous and heretical decisions made by Catholic politicians, both Cardinal Timothy Dolan and Pope Francis confirmed Thursday that they couldn’t, for the life of them, find a single reason to excommunicate Governor Andrew Cuomo a day after he signed a bill that allows abortions up to the final day of pregnancy. “Oh, it’s not for a lack of trying,” Dolan... Read More

World Must Choose Between Excommunicating And Canonizing Covington Teens, With No Other Options

      Students from Covington Catholic high school located in Kentucky became the center of attention this week after video of the students appeared to show some mocking a Native American activist on the steps of Lincoln Memorial. But early yesterday, new videos of the incident began to emerge, changing the narrative for many, and having people around the world questioning the essential question of whether the teens should be canonized or... Read More

Gillette Introduces New ‘Tampons For Him’

  Just days after stirring up controversy with an ad attempting to cure toxic masculinity, Gillette today introduced its newest product, ‘Tampons for Him.’ “With our new product, even the most masculine of men will now have a discreet way of tempering the poisonous manliness that they often feel,” said Assistant Gillette Spokesman Alexander Dowgray, adding that the new tampons will help contain the “flow” of the venomous masculinity is... Read More

Local Man Pretty Confident He Just Scored A Relic Of St. Michael the Archangel

  Gazing in compete awe and wonder, local Catholic Herbert Shepherd was reportedly astonished Tuesday after finding what he believed to be a first class relic of St. Michael the Archangel while sitting on a park bench. “I was sitting, eating my lunch and minding my own business when, what should fall from the sky and land beside me—a white feather.” Shepherd told EOTT, adding that he remembered a flock of birds flying above him as he dropped... Read More

Study: Yes, God Loves You, But That Doesn’t Necessarily Mean He Likes You

  Confirming the centuries-old belief that God, for some weird reason, loves everyone, researchers at the Vatican said this morning that they now believe that that fact does not necessarily mean that he likes everyone. “Our latest data proves beyond a reasonable doubt that there are a ton of pricks out there,” said lead researcher Dr. Luigi Antonello, adding that researchers found that there was seriously no way in the world that anyone, even... Read More

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