Groundbreaking New Drug Helps Parishioners Cope With Devastating Sound Of Church Band Playing During Mass

  A new anti-anxiety drug called Xanoft is now being offered to parishioners as young as five-years-old to help curb the devastating effects of the sound of bad church music, scientist are reporting. The drug, which many parishioners are calling a “miracle,” is said to be able to soften the senses to the sounds of guitar, tambourine, and other instruments when played inside of a Church. “It’s the most amazing drug on the market,” said local... Read More

Pope Francis Leads Summit On How To Pretend The Church Is Doing Something About The Abuse Scandal

  Pope Francis has called the presidents from bishops conferences around the world for a February summit to discuss how to better look like they are doing something about preventing clergy sex abuse. The summit of the presidents signals a realization that the laity do not believe that those in the highest levels of the Church are doing anything to combat clergy sex abuse. “We are faced with a grave situation in the Church today,” Pope Francis... Read More

Report: Most Of The Sins You’ve Ever Confessed Were Not Forgiven Because The Priest Used The Wrong Formula Of Absolution

  A report released today by the Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith has revealed that most, if not all, of the sins you’ve ever confessed in your lifetime were never actually forgiven due to the use of improper absolution. According to the 76-page report, which took into account forgotten or neglected words, as well as coughs and sneezes during absolution, which clearly negates and supersedes the priest’s intent to absolve, almost every... Read More

USCCB Approves New ‘The Word On The Street’ Translation Of The Lord Of The Rings

  The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops announced today that they have officially approved a new “The Word on the Street” translation of J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings. “Our aim is not only to get this wonderful classic into the hands of the youth, but to have them fully understand what Tolkien’s words actually mean,” USCCB spokesman Jeffrey Kerrigan said in a press conference earlier this afternoon. “It’s not enough... Read More

Family To Withhold Weekly One Dollar Tithe Until They Receive Answers

  Longtime parishioners of Holy Cross Parish, the Keatons, have angrily informed their pastor that they will be withholding their weekly dollar donation until they “receive answers” from the Vatican. “So long as Pope Francis remains silent, we will not be donating!” the Keaton family told parishioners outside Holy Cross during Mass. “Think of it this way—his Holiness has already cost this parish close to three dollars. They’re clearly... Read More

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