Frustrated New Priest Still Hasn’t Nailed Down Consecration

  Sadly admitting he had yet to figure out how other priests “did it,” newly ordained Fr. Christian Benson told EOTT this morning that he was still struggling with “the whole consecration part.” “I got the entrance and opening down, and I do a pretty decent job with the homily and all the rest, but the consecration, I don’t know…I just can’t grasp how to transubstantiate,” said Benson, who, at his most recent attempt at the consecration... Read More

Permanent Deacon Has An Assistant And Office For Some Reason

  Walking into St. John of the Cross Parish office to deliver their marriage certificate this week, newly wedded Jack and Helen Trumble confirmed that Deacon Donald Mathers has, for some reason, an assistant. “We were actually shocked when we learned he had a desk of his own,” said Jack Trumble. “But then we noticed he, God only knows why, actually had an office too…with his name on the door. We thought that was kinda weird seeing as how... Read More

Trump Says That He Will Make Aliens Pay For New Space Force

  President Donald Trump accused Martians of doing nothing to stop aliens from crossing into Earth, and repeated his presidential campaign pledge that Martians would pay for his planned Space Force. If it happened, the Space Force would become the sixth branch of the U.S. Armed Forces. It’s primary objective would be to ensure that no documented or undocumented extraterrestrials ever reached Earth again. “These aliens, you know, they sneak in... Read More

Franciscan University Of Steubenville Student With No Tongue Having Trouble Speaking In Tongues

  Classmates of local Franciscan University Of Steubenville junior Connie Prebis told EOTT this morning that they feared that their friend was in danger of being expelled if she did not quickly learn to speak in tongues. Prebis’ roommate Ashley Barnes recently told EOTT in French, a language she claims to have never spoken before, that, “I know it’s hard for her—with no tongue and all, but she’s just gotta find a way to manage. It’s obviously... Read More

Pope Francis Declares Death Unacceptable In All Cases

Pope Francis decreed yesterday that death is “inadmissible” under all circumstances and that the Catholic Church should attempt to abolish it. The change has been hailed by anti-death activists and rejected by Francis critics, who said he had no right to change the consequences of original sin. A spokesman for the Vatican told EOTT early this morning that Francis had amended the Catechism of the Catholic Church to say that death can never... Read More

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