Captain America, Iron Man Split Over Vigano Letter

  Iron man and Captain America have been seen fighting inside St. Peter’s Square this morning after witnesses say that the superheroes  had had a public falling out over the recent letter from Archbishop Viganó . “This is brother against brother” said the Captain, who is in full support of Pope Francis told EOTT this afternoon as he dodged a volley of beams. “Vigano’s allegations should not be given the time of day. Innocent until... Read More

“I Will Not Say A Single World” Pope Michael Tells Lineup Of Teddy Bears Holding Fake Tape Recorders

  Pope Michael Tuesday told a line of teddy bears dressed as reporters sitting on his bed that he will not respond to accusations that he knew about allegations against Cardinal Theodore McCarrick. The Pope told the teddy bears and one G.I Joe figurine that he had read the document but that he “will not say a single word on this.” “I must tell you sincerely that, I must say this, to you and all those who are interested—read the... Read More

Blase Cupich Denies Allegations He Is Sane

Image: Goat_Girl   Cardinal Blase Cupich responded to an anonymous letter earlier today accusing him of being sane. “To say that I am sane is insane,” the American cardinal said. “Yes, I admit it. What sane person would say that protecting the environment is a more important issue than the allegations levelled at the Pope? Seriously, what else would I have had to say to convince you that I’m a complete crackpot? Would I have needed to say that... Read More

Francis Practicing Emeritus Signature

  Mere days after former Vatican ambassador to the US, Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò, alleged that the Pope was aware of sexual misconduct allegations against Cardinal Theodore McCarrick, Francis is said to have been spending a large part of his day quietly trying out different new emeritus signatures in preparations for his upcoming retirement. “I hear you get a gold-plated watch,” Pope Francis whispered into the ear of one reporter in an attempt... Read More

New National Catholic Reporter Study Shows 99% More Catholics Attend Holy Day Of Obligation When Called Holy Day Of Opportunity

  A new study out today by the National Catholic Reporter Institute says that 99% of Catholics are more likely to attend Mass on a Holy Day of Obligation if it’s called a “Holy Day of Opportunity.” President of the institute Robert Donavan told EOTT that while it’s the same Mass and obligation, most people did not like being told what to do. “The fact is that if people believe that they’re being invited to, as opposed to forced to come... Read More

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