Parish Council Places Severed Horse Head On Pastor’s Bed As A Warning

Local pastor Fr. Richard Woltz woke up beside the severed head of his prize thoroughbred this morning after refusing a request from parish council leader Vito Cangialosi to allow his godson to participate as an altar boy at the upcoming Easter Vigil.

An anonymous source told EOTT that just days after Cangialosi’s godson, Anthony Fontane, asked his godfather to pressure Fr. Woltz into giving him altar boy duties, Cangialosi sent parish council representative Ronald Hagen to the rectory  to “reason with Fr. Woltz.”

“I was very sad that Fr. Woltz would not place little Anthony on the altar boy sign-up sheet,” Hagen told EOTT. “I was very calm, told him I was a big fan of his Masses, which is true, but he just turned and called me a ‘council wop greaseball goombah.’ Not even sure what half that means.”

Several reports say that Fr. Woltz still refused to place Fontane on the altar boy sign-up sheet even after Hagan’s visit, because Fontane “made a mess of the Christmas Vigil,” most likely referring to the now infamous “2015 thurible incident” in which 13 parishioners were severely injured.

Fr. Waltz told EOTT his side of the story, saying “You don’t understand. Anthony Fontane never gets that Mass. That Mass is perfect for him. It’ll make him a big star in the acolyte world. I’m gonna run him out of this church. And let me tell you why. Anthony Fontane ruined one of potential future seminarians. For three years we had him under contract…chant lessons, liturgical dance lessons, homily lessons. I spent hundreds of thousands of the church’s donations. I was gonna make him a big star. He would’ve been all over EWTN after his ordination. He threw it all away because he became friend’s with little Anthony.”