Parish Council Places Severed Horse Head On Pastor’s Bed As A Warning

Local pastor Fr. Richard Woltz woke up beside the severed head of his prize thoroughbred this morning after refusing a request from parish council leader Vito Cangialosi to allow his godson to participate as an altar boy at the upcoming Easter Vigil. An anonymous source told EOTT that just days after Cangialosi’s godson, Anthony Fontane, asked his godfather to pressure Fr. Woltz into giving him altar boy duties, Cangialosi sent parish council representative... Read More

Cohabiting Couple Careful To Observe Fish On Fridays

Local Catholic couple Jenny Barkley and David Rondo, who have been cohabiting for two years with no intention of marrying, announced to friends during lunch today that they would have to stick to fish options due to the Lenten fast. “I grew up super Catholic,” Barkley said. “My mom would kill me if she found out we weren’t observing the Church’s laws on abstinence…from meat.” Rondo agreed with his girlfriend, but also said that... Read More

Parish Council Grills Catechumen Nominee At Confirmation Mass

Image: Joe Ravi Catechumen nominee Neil Schlesing said that “no man is above canon law” when pressed on whether Pope Francis could allow divorced and remarried Catholics to receive communion. It was one of several exchanges Tuesday as Schlesing mostly deflected council members’ efforts to get him to reveal his views on the death penalty, global warming, and other controversial issues inside the Catholic Church. As the grueling day of questioning wore... Read More

Little Girl Who Attempted To Steal Pope’s “Hat” Arraigned On Felony Charges

The Swiss Guard have arrested Estella Westrick from Atlanta, Georgia for several felony offenses Tuesday after she attempted to steal Pope Francis’ zucchetto in broad daylight. The three-year-old was arrested on charges including theft, assault on a public figure, and resisting arrest from her father after throwing a temper tantrum. Just after 12:40 p.m. on Tuesday, the Swiss Guard were forced into action after an assault complaint was made from... Read More

Curia Surprises Francis with One-Way Ticket to Buenos Aires

Roman Curia officials pulled out all the stops this year to celebrate the 4th anniversary of Pope Francis’ accession to the Throne of St. Peter after scrounging together a few hundred Euro to surprise him with an unforgettable one-way ticket to his native Buenos Aires. “He’s been working so hard lately, we thought he could use an extended, indefinite getaway,” said Msgr. Giuseppe Bernardo, an attaché attached to the Papal Household. “Plus it’s... Read More

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