Traditionalists Sanction Protestant Communities Over Vatican II Liturgical Hacks

In a drastic move to secure traditionalist Catholics from liturgical hackers, the Burke administration on Thursday slapped a number of Protestant communities and individuals with sanctions over their alleged Vatican II hacks of the Mass. “These actions follow repeated private and public warnings that we have issued to Protestants, and are a necessary and appropriate response to efforts to harm the sanctity of the Mass in violation of established... Read More

Pope Francis Calls For More Vatican Nukes In Annual Christmas Message

Just days after Pope Francis offered a message of hope in his annual “Urbi et Orbi” Christmas day message, the Pontiff has now backtracked, saying that if peace could not prevail, he would be forced to join the United States and Russia in an arms race. Pope Francis told EOTT in an exclusive interview this morning that “We will outmatch Russia and the U.S. at every pass and outlast them all, both spiritually as well as with our growing stockpile of... Read More

Second Year Of Mercy To Allow An Individual’s Conscience To Absolve One’s Own Sins

The Vatican announced today that they will be opening a second Year of Mercy. The initiative is intended to address the crisis in the sacrament of confession and is being called, “The Year of Mercy: A Second Helping.” “Over half of the confessions in the Church today are invalid because the faithful actually do not believe any of their actions are sinful,” Cardinal Thomas Olvelli explained. “Without an actual sin confessed,... Read More

Santa Claus’ Contract Extended Through 2023 Christmas Season

The Nativity Financial League (NFL) announced today that Santa Claus signed an 11th hour, 6 year contract extension.  It was widely reported that Santa was unhappy with his existing contract and was planning to sit out the 2016 Christmas Season.  Under pressure from commercial sponsors, the League and Santa scrambled to come to an agreement that saved the 2016 Season. Recruited out of a small program in Bari, Italy, Santa in his rookie year signed a... Read More

Santa Reassigns “Rigid” Elf On The Shelf To Malta

Image: An Errant Knight Santa Claus has reassigned a conservative “scout elf” from a key post in a home near Farmington Hills, Michigan to one that is mostly symbolic. Ray, the Elf on the Shelf in question, has been a leading stickler for those being naughty or nice, and has been vocal in his criticism of the direction that Santa has been leading Christmas in. Ray was one of the highest ranking scout elves in the North Pole hierarchy in his position... Read More

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