Jesus Assumes New Role As Savior Emeritus After Catholic Blogger Takes Over Task Of Saving Church From Francis

Catholic blogger Nicholas Robison, best known for his blog, More Catholic Than Jesus, announced today that he has officially assumed the role of Savior of the world, ending Jesus Christ’s illustrious and often controversial reign. The stunning news comes after years of speculation from Catholic websites that Jesus Christ was no longer able to handle the rigors of the office. “We just feel like it’s gotten pretty obvious since the Council... Read More

Pope To Commission Study To Find More Ways He Can Confuse People

Pope Francis said today that he would set up a commission to study whether or not he can find more ways to confuse and frustrate the living crap out of people, revealing an openness to re-examining the church’s long-held insistence on not speaking off-the-cuff. His move was hailed as a breakthrough by those in the media who have clamored for years to be given more stuff to speculate on, and who cite research showing that a pope whose speeches were scripted... Read More

Pope Francis Accidentally Misplaces Keys To The Kingdom Of Heaven

Image: Andrew Hermiz   Saying that he could’ve sworn he put them right there on top of the cabinet beside his bed, Pope Francis is reportedly frantically tearing up his apartment in search of his pair of keys to the Kingdom of Heaven that he misplaced sometime this afternoon. “Oh, come on, Francis, you always do this!” an angry Francis berated himself as he tossed sheets to the floor, looked inside his freezer, and in the inside pockets of all... Read More

Breaking: Man In Church Still Hasn’t Taken Off Hat

After reporting that an unidentified man entered St. Monica Catholic Church for Mass this morning without taking off his hat, parishioners announced 10 minutes later that the man has yet to remove it. “We’re currently looking into the situation to discover the motive for the irreverence,” said head usher Donny Casey, adding that, though he first believed the man to be a Protestant who was simply unaware of Mass etiquette, that he has been forced... Read More

“Well, That Was A Complete Bust,” Francis Tells Crowd Moments Before Cancelling Remainder Of Year Of Mercy

Image: Wikicommons During his general audience this week in Saint Peter’s Square, Pope Francis announced the cancellation of the remainder of the Holy Year of Mercy, saying that the whole idea was a “complete and utter bust.” “Let us not forget that God forgives and God forgives always,” Francis said. “But let us never forget that man does not forgive and will never forgive. That is one thing I have learned these past few months.” Francis... Read More