Church Packed As Fr. Bieber Says First Mass At Our Lady Of Perpetual Crunches

Image: AdamSundana Fr. Justin Bieber cleansed his soul and the souls of thousands of concertgoers turned parishioners over the weekend after turning his concert into a vigil Mass. The 20-year-old singer and newly ordained Jesuit, who is currently on probation for blessing a photographer in the face, was pictured presiding over Mass Saturday evening in San Diego, where he asked those in the crowd how their day was going, before welcoming them, saying, “The... Read More

Cardinal Sarah Gives Permission For Priests To Have Their Feet Washed By 12 Women

Image: WikiCommons Priest are not obligated to wash the feet of women during the Mass on Holy Thursday, though they are permitted to have twelve women wash their feet, the prefect of the Congregation for Divine Worship and Discipline of the Sacraments said in a statement last night. Cardinal Sarah told EOTT in Rome last night that a priest “has to decide in accord with his own conscience whether or not some type of oil or lotion is to be administered... Read More

Francis Won’t Stop Posting Pictures Of Meager, Humble Meals On Instagram

Pope Francis has launched his new Instagram account with a comment in which he said, “I am beginning a new journey, on Instagram, to walk with you along the path of the mercy and to show you selfies taken just moments after my workouts.” Francis, who goes under the Instagram name “Franciscus,” moments later posted a picture of his outfit of the day, followed by one of him praying the rosary while doing a “duck face” in front... Read More

“Well, I’ll Definitely Keep You In My Prayers,” Says Man Who Will Inevitably Forget to Keep You In His Prayers

Not long after describing the various trials were going through to an acquaintance, sources are reporting that his promise to keep you in his prayers are completely worthless. Sources on the scene say that the man in question, Thomas Keating, will not only not pray for you, but really wasn’t even paying that much attention to you as you were speaking to begin with, and therefore, wouldn’t even know what to pray for if he did remember, which of course,... Read More

Man Vomiting In Alley In Honor Of St. Patrick

Image: Wikicommons Calling it a way to show his honor and devotion to St. Patrick, local Catholic John Drexel stumbled outside into the alley behind Hooligans Irish Pub moments after downing three pints of Guinness and two shots of Jameson. “Oh man, this is awful,” Drexel slurred to random passerby’s as they stopped to laugh and take pictures. “It’s all freaking green! Oh, the devotion I have to St. Patrick comes even from the bowels of my…well,... Read More

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