Bear From “The Revenant” Has Private Meeting With Pope Francis

Image:AndrewHermiz The bear that played the role of the vicious bear in the movie “The Revenant” met with Pope Francis at the Vatican Thursday, discussing their concern over the environment. “Your Holiness, thank you for granting me this private audience with you,” the bear growled in Italian as he arrived at the Apostolic Palace before leaning over to eat the pope’s ring and finger as is tradition. The bear offered Francis a book of works... Read More

Imperial Jury Indicts Luke Skywalker; Galactic Empire Cleared

Credit: Wikicommons An imperial grand jury investigating criminal allegations against the Galactic Empire stemming from a series of undercover videos instead indicted two Rebel Alliance activists who shot the footage. In a stunning turn of events, the imperial grand jury declined to indict officials from the Empire, and instead handed felony charges against Grand Master of the New Jedi Order Luke Skywalker and fellow Rebel Alliance activist Han Solo. Skywalker... Read More

Women May Now Have Their Feet Washed And Pedicured At Holy Thursday Mass, Pope Says

Pope Francis has changed the rules for the Church’s Holy Thursday foot-washing ceremony, issuing a decree allowing women to not only participate in the ceremony, but to have an optional pedicure for the low donation price of just $14.95. That’s right, just $14.95. In a letter addressed to Cardinal Robert Sarah, the Pope said that 12 “lucky” people would be chosen to participate in the ritual of what is now being called the washing and pedicuring... Read More

Middle-Aged White Woman Gyrating Near Altar Just Like They Do In Kenya

Image: auntjojo 52-year-old liturgical dancing sensation Grace Weaver confirmed this morning that she planned on gyrating like all hell during Mass “just like they do it in Kenya.” “I’ve been a lifelong fan of liturgical dancing, but it wasn’t until I visited Africa that I truly fell in love with the art,” Weaver told EOTT as she practiced some of her moves. “You see what I’m doing? I’m hopping from one foot to the next as I clap my hands.... Read More

Devout Catholic Becomes Atheist After Watching Movie “Heaven Is For Real”

Describing the movie Heaven Is For Real as one of the most obnoxious and heavy-handed movies he’d ever seen, local Catholic Dennis Macias told EOTT this morning that he’s decided to become an atheist. The 26-year-old California man, who had been planning on entering the religious life this June, formally withdrew his application to the monastery after having what he called “the most terrifying 99-minute experience” of his life. “The movie had... Read More

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