Radicalized Catholic Becomes Priest

  Image: AndrewHirmiz San Diego County Sheriff’s Department officials arrested a “middle-aged Caucasian man” after he allegedly attempted to bless a large group of people in public late Sunday evening. Fr. Richard Whitaker of San Diego was arrested on suspicion of attempted blessing, sheriff sergeant Roger Burgess told EOTT, and deputies are now confirming that the 31-year-old man had traveled to Rome years prior to becoming a priest. “A... Read More

Saint Stripped Of Halo After Francis Mistakenly Canonizes Wrong Blessed

Pope Francis took to Twitter to apologize Sunday night after accidentally canonizing the wrong woman. The Pontiff was presiding over a Canonization Mass Sunday morning when he accidentally announced the wrong woman being canonized. It wasn’t until after the new saint, Blessed Maria Romero Meneses, had already put on the halo that the mistake was corrected. “OK flock, uh …” Francis said as he came back to the altar. “I have... Read More

Fox News Petitions Holy See For New Republican Rite

Photo: AndrewHermez Fox News Channel has petitioned the Holy See for approval of a new Republican Rite of the Catholic Church, sources are confirming. The Rite, which would be under the direct jurisdiction of the Primate of the Republican Party, His Holiness Patriarch Donald John Trump I, would be a self-governing church in, more or less, full communion with the Pope. “As Patriarch and successor to Ronald Reagan, His Most Divine All-Holiness and Primus... Read More

Vatican To Project Microsoft Bubbles Screensaver Onto St. Peter’s Whenever Basilica Not In Use

An illuminated projection of the Microsoft Office Bubbles theme onto the facade of St. Peter’s on Tuesday evening drew large crowds as the new basilica screen saver appeared, notifying the faithful that the basilica had not been in use for 10 minutes. The decision to use the new screensaver was made by Senior Vatican Security official Claudio Aquila who said that it was the Vatican’s duty to protect St. Peter’s from terrorists attempting to infiltrate... Read More

Pope Infallibly Declares Nutella Overrated

Image: A.Kniesel In a stunning declaration this morning, Pope Francis shocked many Vatican observers when he declared that Nutella, the popular hazelnut chocolate spread, as “completely overrated.” “I declare,” said the Pope from his seat at St. John Lateran, “that through my office as shepherd and teacher of all Christians, and by virtue of my supreme apostolic authority, I hereby declare that Nutella shall henceforth be known as just kind of... Read More