New Scott Hahn Drinking Game Has Readers Taking Shot After Every Mention Of Word “Covenant”

Steubenville, OH––A new, dangerous drinking game invented by Franciscan University of Steubenville sophomore Ben Johnson, known as Covenant, is sweeping Catholic universities. The game, which involves players reading any book ever published by Scott Hahn, and then taking a shot of whiskey or beer every time the word “covenant” is mentioned, is raising major concerns with university officials. What originally started out as fun for some has now... Read More

Uruguayan Pastor Bites Rival Priest During Mass

New York, NY—Just a day after Uruguay star Luis Suarez allegedly bit Italy defender Giorgio Chiellini at the World Cup, Uruguayan born priest, Father Roldolfo Pontet, is now being investigated for biting a rival priest during a morning Mass in New York. The USCCB said early today that its disciplinary committee has opened proceedings against Pontet. If the Uruguayan priest, already banned twice for biting fellow priests after they attempted to concelebrate,... Read More

Pope Excommunicates 95% Of Italian Men

Sibari, Calabria––Using his strongest language to date, Pope Francis told Italian Mafia members and those who look like mafia members on Saturday that they are excommunicated from the Catholic Church, thereby excommunicating nearly 95% of Italians across the globe. “Those who in their life have gone along the evil ways, as in the case of the mafia, or those who in their life have not gone along the evil ways, but nevertheless look like they... Read More

Soccer Player Miraculously Rises To Feet Seconds After Writhing In Pain On Ground

Image:Arvedui89 Thousands of soccer fans around the globe were witness to the miraculous recovery of an Spanish soccer player this morning after he was viciously tapped in the thigh by an Iranian defender. It happened in the 23 minute of a game between Spain and Iran earlier today when Spanish striker Diego Costa went down after being ever so gently tapped in the thigh by Iran’s Majid Hosseini. One witness told EOTT moments after the game that, although... Read More

Pelosi Excommunicates Cordileone

Washington, DC––In an astonishing move today, Minority Leader of the House of Representatives and Mouthpiece of God in the United States Nancy Pelosi has excommunicated San Francisco Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone. The move comes just a day after Pelosi sent Cordileone a letter asking him not to attend the National Organization for Marriage march in Washington D.C., calling the event “venom masquerading as virtue.” In response to the... Read More

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