Woman Criticizes Jesus For Giving Apostles Communion In The Hand

Trenton, NJ––Lorenza Matthews expressed disappointment last week when she noticed that, according to the Gospel accounts of the Last Supper, Jesus “gave” the Apostles his Sacred Body and told them to “take” it.

“I’m a bit scandalized that Our Lord would brush aside the traditional practice of Communion on the tongue while kneeling.” When asked about her frustration, Matthews added, “We use our hands to commit all kinds of sins, and it’s just so disrespectful to just stand there with our hands out, as if we’re beggars asking for charity from God or something.” She continued, “But what sins could we ever commit with our tongues? And what gesture could be more respectful than sticking them out to welcome Our Eucharistic Lord into our hearts?”

Friends and fellow parishioners noted that this stance is a consistent one with Lorenza, equal or greater in importance than any other in her life. “Communion in the hand is not the way I grew up, and it’s just not respectful. Jesus needs to realize that.” She concluded, “We can’t go around making our personal preferences equal to God’s holy law.”