Pope Francis Awaiting Final Approval Of Internet Troll Before Promulgating Encyclical

  VATICAN–Vatican sources are confirming that Pope Francis has nearly completed his new Encyclical Letter, and is awaiting the final approval of Reginald Edwards, an internet troll commonly known as “PiusXIIRoxII.” Edwards, who has read several paragraphs of the Catechism, three books by Peter Kreeft, and half of St. John Paul II’s “Fides et Ratio,” is universally regarded as the final authority in matters of Orthodoxy... Read More

“Minotaurs And Krakens Is Where I Draw The line,” Pope Francis Says. “I Would Not Convert Them”

VATICAN–Pope Francis said in his morning Mass on Monday that if Martians came to him asking to be baptized he wouldn’t turn them away, but that when it came to krakens, unicorns, minotaurs, and British elves, he would have to say “absolutely not,” Vatican radio reports. “If, for example, tomorrow an expedition of Martians came, and some of them came to us, here… Martians, right? Green, with that long nose and big ears, just like... Read More

Pope Francis Says He Would Baptise Aliens

Pope Francis has said that he would be willing to baptise aliens if they came to the Vatican, asking “who are we to close doors” to anyone – even Martians. In a homily yesterday dedicated to the concepts of acceptance and inclusion, Francis recalled a Bible story about the conversion of the first pagans to Christianity, according to reports on Vatican Radio. He said Catholicism was a church of “open doors”, and that it was up to Christians... Read More

Woman Criticizes Jesus For Giving Apostles Communion In The Hand

Trenton, NJ––Lorenza Matthews expressed disappointment last week when she noticed that, according to the Gospel accounts of the Last Supper, Jesus “gave” the Apostles his Sacred Body and told them to “take” it. “I’m a bit scandalized that Our Lord would brush aside the traditional practice of Communion on the tongue while kneeling.” When asked about her frustration, Matthews added, “We use our hands to commit all kinds of sins, and... Read More

Last Remaining Christian Living In Jerusalem Excited About Papal Visit

JERUSALEM–Just a day before Pope Francis makes his first Papal Visit to the Holy Land, Jerusalem’s sole Christian, Azmi Habibi, announced that he had been chosen to attend the Papal Mass on Sunday. “I could not believe it when I heard it,” Habibi said via Skype this morning. “The church is going to be packed with Muslims and Jews. I think it would be nice to have a Christian in attendance. The three-day trip, which many hope will ease interfaith... Read More

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