Priest Accidentally Leaves Lapel Mic On In Confessional; Your Darkest, Deepest Secrets Revealed To Everyone

Your Parish–It was reported today that your parish pastor Father John Frank accidently left his lapel mic on after having finished saying Mass, consequently revealing to everyone in the church all of your deepest and darkest secrets. The news came just moments after revealing for the first time that thing you did during the summer of ’98, and all the people that suffered as a consequence of your shameless acts. “I couldn’t believe what I was... Read More

Pope’s Peace Doves Attacked By Metaphors

VATICAN–In a gesture at the Vatican’s annual “Caravan of Peace,” Pope Francis happily watched as two children at his side released a pair of white doves as symbols of peace and unity from the window of the Apostolic Palace. But just moments later, two metaphors, one, of the world’s unwillingness for dialogue, and the second, its utter hostility at the thought of compromise swept down on the hapless symbols of peace as tens of... Read More

New Eco-Friendly Church Using Biodegradable Chalice

LONDON––Speaking to an assembly of Catholic priests in London yesterday, Pastor of St. Philip Neri Catholic Church in nearby Chigwell, England Fr. Timothy Rooney announced yesterday that he would be transforming his church into a more eco-friendly environment, and encouraged those gathered to follow his lead. “Parishioners considering our churches as a place to pray will ask about our green initiatives. It is important for us to reassure them... Read More

Unimaginative Priest Celebrates Themeless Mass

Citing a lack of time and energy, as well as feeling the “total absence of the liturgical muse,” local pastor Fr. Mike Conway this week spent close to no time at all considering a theme for this Sunday’s Mass. “I remember just ten years ago when I could come up here with my jeans and piece of straw in my mouth for a Hillbilly Mass before changing into a Barney costume for my Children’s Mass,” Conway said, fondly describing a time when the uncharted... Read More

Pope Francis To Defrock 300 Priests For Failing To Say ‘Good Morning’ At The Beginning Of Mass

VATICAN––Shortly after it was revealed that his predecessor, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, defrocked 400 priests for sexual abuse of minors, Pope Francis decreed the immediate removal of priestly faculties for 300 priests from Europe and the Americas who were found in defiance of liturgical norms and persistently refused to greet parishioners with the traditional “Good Morning” liturgical salutation. “The rubrics are clear in this regard;... Read More

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