Nun Trampled Near Scapular Section During “O’Brien’s Church Supplies” Black Friday Sale

Biloxi, MS––An O’Brien’s Church Supplies shopper was injured earlier today after an out of control mob of frenzied shoppers smashed through the Biloxi store’s front doors and trampled her, police said. The Black Friday stampede plunged the religious good store into chaos as hundreds of people desperately tried to get their hands on the newly-released Sixfold Scapular, knocking several employees to the ground and sending others... Read More

Zombie Apocalypse At Heart of Evangelii Gaudium

VATICAN––In a recently published document released by the Vatican Tuesday, Pope Francis writes about the type of community he  wants Catholicism to become. In the 224-page Apostolic Exhortation, Francis asks those in the Church to become more visionary, more merciful, and to begin packing the necessary items needed to survive the impending zombie apocalypse. “I dream of a missionary option,” Francis writes, “that is capable of transforming... Read More

Pope Francis Names 2014 “Year Of Terror”

VATICAN––In his General Audience today, Pope Francis announced that he would be naming 2014 “the Year of Terror.” “Since it is difficult to balance the various challenges of the papacy, while finding time to decide what to call this upcoming year, I have decided that The Year of Terror best represents what we ought to be focusing on this upcoming year,” Francis said to the hundreds gathered in St. Peter’s Square.... Read More

Newly Revealed Catacomb Painting Undeniable Proof That Women Were Able To Raise Hands In Air In Early Church

VATICAN–Newly restored frescoes from the Catacombs of Priscilla were unveiled by the Vatican on Tuesday, some of which reveal that women in early Christianity were able to lift their hands in the air. This has led some to conclude that if a woman was able to lift her hands above her shoulders as the image suggests, then early Christians must have allowed women to become priests. The Catacombs, which are located in the northern part of Rome, and are... Read More

Report: All That Really Matters Is Having A Good Heart

Portland, OR–A new study released today by millions of Catholics and non-Catholics from across the globe shows that having a good heart is more pleasing to God than following the teachings of the Church. “I’m so happy to say that after close to 2,000 years of dogmatism, we have successfully proven that the way into God’s heart, and ultimately into Heaven, is not by going to church or confessions, but by being nice,” said Hugh Benson, the... Read More

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