Report: Man Who’s Never Killed Anyone Or Anything Like That Doesn’t Need To Go To Confession

Pittsburgh, PA––A new report out today by area Catholic Marcus Dietrich’s conscience revealed that the 31-year-old father of two is most certainly not in need of the Sacrament of Confession, thanks to never having killed anyone or anything terrible like that. Data compiled by Dietrich after a moment’s reflection upon entering church this morning also showed that he was, indeed, in a proper disposition to receive Communion despite a one-year absence from Mass. “I was so relieved when I found out the results of my study,” said an anti-scrupulous Dietrich as he half-knelt, half-rested his bottom on the edge of the pew during the Consecration. “Not that I was really surprised by the results…I mean, sure I don’t go to Mass often, or pray, or anything, and I use contraception, but it’s not like I go around shooting people in the head or anything psycho like that.” At press time, Dietrich has remembered gravely sinning two days prior after having forgotten to smog his car, consequently allowing fumes to eat away at the ozone layer, leading to global warming, and melting the ice of cute polar bear cubs.