Millions To Miss Pope’s Global Hour Of Adoration Due To Super Busy Schedules

World, The–Citing “super busy” schedules, millions from around the globe are reporting that they unfortunately are not going to be able to make it to the first-ever Worldwide Eucharistic Adoration led by Pope Francis this Sunday. The news comes as a shock to many in the Vatican who were counting on the millions of Catholics from around the world to show up so that Pope Francis would not have to cover their hour. Millions, who originally planned... Read More

Man In Search Of Answers Closes Eyes, Flips Through Bible, Says “Stop,” “Left Page,” “Right Column”

Bowling Green, KY––It was reported earlier this morning that 31-year-old Alvin Rush, who just hours ago left a job interview, recently sat down to pray about his future before giving up, and picking up a Bible to flip through at random for an answer. A longtime friend of Rush, Jerry Rodgers, told Eye of the Tiber that Rush had dwelt about the job for hours before finally deciding to spend some time in prayer. “Well, we knelt and prayed together,... Read More

17-Year-Old Homeschool Boy Figures Out Trinity While Mother Combs His Hair

  According to the Brandt family moments ago, 17-year-old homeschooler Jake Brandt has solved the greatest mystery known to man. Brandt, who had just gotten out of the shower, reportedly worked out and solved the mystery of the Holy Trinity while his mother Cherry Brandt worked, furiously, to comb down a few stubborn hairs on the back of his head. “Funny thing is, he’s not even the smartest kid on the block,” Cherry Brandt told EOTT. “The Jacobs... Read More

There Was Certainly A Point During My Clown Mass When I Thought, “What The Hell Am I Doing?”

Pastor of St. Genesius Catholic Church Fr. Edmond Harrington confirmed this afternoon that at one point during his first ever Clown Mass, he looked down at his oversized checkered shoes as he was praying and thought to himself, “Edmond, what in the world are you doing?” “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel a shred of guilt about it or anything,” Harrington told EOTT as he brushed away a lock of bright red hair... Read More

Parishioner At The Back Of Long Confession Line Sure Is Optimistic

Brooklyn, NY–Walking to the back of a nauseatingly long confession line with only five minutes to go before Mass yesterday evening, an undeterred and naively optimistic Christopher Repin smiled and greeted penitents in front of him. “God bless you guys,” a cheerful and relaxed Repin told people around him as he held up two fingers in a peace sign for those near the front of the line. Sources say that Repin appeared so at ease in... Read More

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