“Why Ain’t Nobody Singin’ Back the Responsory?” Lector Wondering. “My Arms Is Raised Up High Like They Supposed To Be”

Knoxville, TN––Lector at St. Hildegund Catholic Church in Nashville, Tennessee Helen Banks is currently questioning why parishioners are neglecting to sing the Responsory after clearly being given the cue to respond. “Why ain’t hardly nobody singin’?” Banks is thinking to herself as she raises up her arms in the air for yet another attempt. “‘The Lord has done great things for us…we are filled with joy.’ Nothing?... Read More

Pope Francis Stumbles; Foreshadowing Of Unstable Papacy?

A sign of things to come? VATICAN––Media outlets around the world were quick to speculate about the future of the two day old papacy of Pope Francis earlier this morning after the new pontiff tripped on his way down a step to greet Dean of Cardinals Angelo Sodano. Calling it “The Great Stumble,” many are now speculating whether this could be an “omen” of the 76-year-old Francis’ papacy. “After Benedict’s papacy,... Read More

Many Disappointed First-Ever Black, Jewish, Woman, Lesbian Pope Not Elected

  A Catholic Argentinian Man VATICAN–Sadness and a general sense of ennui slowly crept through media outlets, liberal households, and university campuses Wednesday, as the realization became more and more apparent that the Catholic Church had failed yet again to elect its first-ever black, Jewish, woman, lesbian Pope. “I just don’t understand how they can keep screwing up like this,” a dejected Sheperd Smith said as he slouched... Read More

Expert Analysis From Community College World Religions Teacher On CNN

Royal Oak, MI–Just minutes after black smoke rose above the Sistine Chapel Tuesday, World Religions Teacher at Royal Oak Community College Stacy Martinez appeared on CNN to give her opinion regarding the failure of the first ballot. The 57-year-old community college teacher told Wolf Blitzer that the failure of the 115 Cardinals participating in the conclave could be a sign of disunity and perhaps even indecision. “What Catholics have to... Read More

New American Idol Format For Papal Elections Under Way

VATICAN CITY––With just one day left before voting begins to elect a new pope, Vatican officials are scrambling to put in place the final touches of the new American Idol inspired knock-out stage of the election process. Details about the revolutionary format, called Vatican Idol, was announced to the press late Sunday evening after days of closed door meetings between Cardinals and American Idol representatives. “We’re very excited about... Read More

« Previous Page — Next Page »