Liturgical Dancer Tests Positive For Performance-Enhancing Drugs

It is being reported this morning that world-renowned liturgical dancer Doris Griffin has tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs. A USCCB spokesman said that trace amounts of an illegal substance were found in Griffin’s blood early Monday morning. This comes just days after reports that Griffin’s trainer, Jake Stately, admitted that he had not only injected Griffin before “numerous Masses,” but that he also had one of the syringes... Read More

Man On Catholic Match Finally Ready To Message Kristin-51053

San Luis Obispo, CA––31-year-old Chuck-50012 has finally finished writing his message to Kristin-51053 after one month and 17 revisions his friends are now reporting. The web developer, who celebrated his fifth anniversary on Catholic Match last week, has been working, tirelessly, to write the perfect message. “I don’t usually spend this much time on a message,” Chuck-50012 said. “Usually I just write a couple lines, ‘Hey,... Read More

As Israel And Palestine Brace For War, Vatican Set To March On Jerusalem

TEL AVIV––After days of Israeli bombings in and around Gaza, Hamas has retaliated with a rocket that killed three just north of the Gaza Strip, bringing the death toll up to 19. As the conflict in the fragile region continues to escalate, some believe that the Vatican’s decision to send 100 Swiss Guards to march and retake Jerusalem a mistake. “I guess I’m just kinda confused,” Chief of General Staff for the Israeli Army Rav... Read More

Developing: Sick Man Attempting To Shake Your Hand During Sign Of Peace

Fort Worth, TX––It is being reported this second that the sick man who has been violently coughing into his hands all Mass has been feverishly trying to get your attention to shake hands during the Sign of Peace. “I already threw him a peace sign…why does he keep staring?” you ask yourself as you then begin to throw everyone else peace signs so as to have him believe that that’s just the way you do it. The stranger, who has... Read More

USCCB To Publish Compendium Of The Compendium Of The Catechism For College Students

Washington, DC––It was announced today that the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops will be coming out with their highly anticipated Compendium of the Compendium of the Catechism of the Catholic Church for College Students this May. The abridged version of the compendium will attempt to lessen the page count from 200 pages to a more manageable 20 pages. Other highlights of the Compendium of the Compendium will include colored pictures... Read More

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