Man Spends All Mass Angry At Jesus–His Gardener

Cincinnati, OH––It was reported this week that 34-year-old parishioner of Holy Family Parish in Cincinnati Karl Tucker spent all Mass Sunday bitter at his gardener, Jesus, for what he called “years of neglected requests.” “It just seems like he never listens anymore,” Tucker reported to friends after Mass. “Every week, it’s like, I ask him to cut my lawn a certain way, and he just goes ahead and does it his own way.”

Tucker, who said that he hired Jesus years ago after a friend, Dave Ross, recommended him, told Eye of the TIber a little about the day he learned about Jesus: “Me and Dave were sitting on my porch and I was telling him all about my problems with my lawn, and I think he could see the anguish in my eyes, and how shabby my lawn was looking…so he recommended Jesus to help tend it.” Dave Ross told Eye of the Tiber that his friend’s relationship with Jesus started off well, and that he [Tucker] was overjoyed, almost overzealous about how good his shrubs and trees were beginning to look. “He’d go around the neighborhood telling everybody about what Jesus had done for his lawn. It was really great to see.”

Ed Varner, Deacon at Holy Family Parish says that Tucker has recently begun to express dismay at the apperant silence of Jesus, often expressing to him that he feels as though his once beloved gardrner no longer cares. “You should’ve seen him at Mass today…Jesus was sitting right in front of him, and Karl wouldn’t talk to him…wouldn’t even make eye contact.”