Liberal Catholic University To Replace Church With Massive Cafeteria

Miami, FL––To help accommodate the diverse palates of Mater Dei University’s large Catholic student-body, President Jon Heinz has announced plans to build the largest cafeteria in the U.S. The cafeteria, which is tentatively scheduled to be built in the summer of 2014, would eventually replace the university’s main church at the center of campus. The plan was announced in a letter to donors Friday requesting extra funds to help pay for the multi-million dollar project. “Our students, like Catholic students all around the country, like nice, big cafeterias. They’re cafeteria Catholics, if you will. And here they’ll have all the freedom to pick and choose from a vast array of foods.” When asked what types of food the cafeteria planned to serve, Heinz said that the menu would never be set in stone, but rather, would be “ever evolving…like the ever evolving tastes of our students.” “Many of our students these days are so bogged down with their own parties and events that they often don’t have time to sit down and wait as warm meals are prepared for them. Therefore, we’re considering having a large selection of foods that wont take time to heat up. Lukewarm foods that are neither hot nor cold.”