Questions Arise After Mother Neglects To Remove Hysterical Child From Mass

Eugene, OR––In the immediate aftermath of the Mass in which parishioner Heather Thomas neglected to remove her crying child to the cry-room during the homily, family of the 26-year-old mother were quick to blame the non-removal of the child on the supposedly crowded pew in which they were sitting. Thomas has yet to speak to reporters regarding the incident which left many parishioners absolutely flabbergasted at how someone could be so clueless... Read More

New Poll Shows 50% Of Catholics Disagree With Jesus’ Stance On Gay Marriage

Novi, MI––A new poll out today shows that about half of Catholics in America still disagree with the Second Person of the Trinity’s stance on gay marriage. The automated poll, commissioned by the USCCB, asked 10,000 Catholics whether they agreed with Jesus’ objection to gay marriage. Of those polled, half said they disagreed with Jesus’ stance because they believed an objection to someones’s freedom of choice was unchristian. When... Read More

Pope Benedict Declares 2013 “Year Of Stuff”

Vatican – Wednesday Angelus attendees were shocked today when His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI declared the Year of Our Lord 2013 to be the “Year of Stuff,” un-declaring his previous declaration of 2013 as the “Year of Faith.” “From October 11, 2012 to November 24, 2013, that is, exactly one year,” His Holiness said, “we as a Church will be recalling all the Stuff that Our Lord did for the fallen human race.” While His Holiness... Read More

Audience Of Undecideds Patiently Await Good Zinger To Decide Their Vote

Mike Segar/Reuters After patiently enduring a 90-minute presidential debate last night, undecided voters at Hofstra University in Long Island were left wanting after lackluster zinger performances by both presidential candidates. For an hour and a half, undecided voters anxiously waited for either of the candidates to make just one quick-witted, in-your-face zinger that would once and for all settle the issue of who to vote for. But as the night progressed,... Read More

Parishioner Agnes Day Excited About New Vatican Crackdown On Her Name

Manchester, NH––For over 40 years, Agnes Day, parishioner at St. Luke Parish, has quietly suffered what she called “decades of unnecessary adaptations to her name.” Day, a daily communicant, told Eye of the Tiber how decades ago parishioners began to give her nicknames. “It’s not like they were bad names or anything…they just weren’t mine. Sometimes when I’d walk by, some of the parishioners would call... Read More

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