Swede Invents Thicker Confessional Walls; Wins Nobel Prize

Sweden––Alsog Dalgaard of Sweden has been awarded the Nobel Prize for his achievement in work in building thicker, more sound-resistant confessionals. The Nobel Prize committee awarded Dalgard the award “for discovery of ground-breaking methods that enable audibility-obstruction and buffering within confessionals.“ The former rocket scientist said he was at first hesitant to accept the challenge put forth by the Vatican 10 years earlier. “It was an unprecedented request they were asking of me,” Dalgaard reflected. “Thousands of years and no one has ever been able to find the answer to why confessional walls do nothing to buffer the awkward sounds of weeping penitents. And I am to solve this? I remember saying this to myself very clearly.” Dalgaard, who was instrumental in the development and improvements of many parts of the orbiter avionics subsystems in spacecrafts such as the electric power distribution and data processors said the idea of the new project, and the good possibility of failure terrified him. “But what terrified me most was the thought of another moment waiting to confess and having to grumble and make noises with my shoes just to block out the all-too-clear sound of another penitent’s confession.” A decade after he began his work for the Vatican, the humble Swede considers the invention of thicker confessional walls his magnum opus.