Parishioner Agnes Day Excited About New Vatican Crackdown On Her Name

Manchester, NH––For over 40 years, Agnes Day, parishioner at St. Luke Parish, has quietly suffered what she called “decades of unnecessary adaptations to her name.” Day, a daily communicant, told Eye of the Tiber how decades ago parishioners began to give her nicknames. “It’s not like they were bad names or anything…they just weren’t mine. Sometimes when I’d walk by, some of the parishioners would call out things like, ‘Hey, look everyone, here comes Bread of Life!’ or, ‘Hey, Fire of Love, you dropped something!'” But after years of unheeded requests to the church pastor, Fr. Rick Thames, to have fellow parishioners stop messing with her name, the Vatican has finally intervened in defense of Day. In a letter written to St. Luke Parish, the Vatican has not only asked Thames to stop nicknaming Day, but to also take measures to dissuade parishioners from calling her by any other name but that which her mother gave to her at birth, effective immediately. “Look, I’m not trying to be a party-pooper or anything…I mean, I know nicknames are the in thing right now, but I’m just too old for that crap.”