Jesuit Celebrates Halloween By Dressing Up In “Priest Costume”

Hoping to surprise his family and friends at Holy Trinity Parish’s annual Halloween Breakfast this morning, local Jesuit Fr. Walter Allen arrived dressed as a Roman Catholic Priest. “It’s always been a fun little idea of mine to wear one of these things,” Allen said, shortly after he surprised those gathered at the breakfast. “He walked right up to us and asked if we wanted him to bless our food,” Allen’s mother... Read More

ICEL Calls For All-Meme Missal Translation For Youth Masses

Citing a need for the Church to “reach out to its estranged youth,” the International Commission on English in the Liturgy requested, and has already begun intensive work on, an all-meme edition of the Roman Missal. Representatives from the Commission, unhappy with the new translation of the Missal, shared their concern that the Church is not “speaking the language of the people.” “Young people are unable to relate to [the Missal’s] rigid,... Read More

New State-Of-The-Art Church Promises Comforts Of The Future

LONDON––A new state-of-the-art church in London opened today with Christmas/Easter size crowds eager for an opportunity to experience the next generation of churches. St. Joseph Cupertino Parish pastor Roger O’Malley gave Eye of the Tiber an exclusive tour of the mega Catholic Church. “As you can see everyone gets their own synthetic leather recliner, which includes storage space to keep foods and drinks cold during Mass,” O’Malley... Read More

Swede Invents Thicker Confessional Walls; Wins Nobel Prize

Sweden––Alsog Dalgaard of Sweden has been awarded the Nobel Prize for his achievement in work in building thicker, more sound-resistant confessionals. The Nobel Prize committee awarded Dalgard the award “for discovery of ground-breaking methods that enable audibility-obstruction and buffering within confessionals.“ The former rocket scientist said he was at first hesitant to accept the challenge put forth by the Vatican 10 years earlier. “It... Read More

Folk Mass Band Upset Over Masses Interrupting Their Concerts

Yonkers, NY––Blake Jennings, lead guitarist at St. Therese Parish in Yonkers, New York is outraged over what he calls “years of concerts being interrupted by the Mass.” The 56-year-old accountant and father of three has played with his band at the 9:30 Folk Mass since 2009. “Our fans love us,” Jennings said, after Sunday Mass. “You can see it in their eyes…the way they droop down, lazily closing as we play…as... Read More

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