People Preparing McCarrick Report Same People As Counting Votes In Nevada
After days of ballot counting in Nevada, officials from the state revealed earlier this morning that they were, in fact, the same people that were... Read More
Mass
Eucharistic Minister Sanitizing Hell Out Of Hands Before Distributing Communion
Local Eucharistic Minister Courtney Smith has been sanitizing the living hell out her hands for the past two minutes in preparation to distribute Holy Communion, parishioners are reporting. According to parishioners at the 9:30 morning Mass... Read More
Pope Francis To Defrock 300 Priests For Failing To Say ‘Good Morning’ At The Beginning Of Mass
VATICAN––Shortly after it was revealed that his predecessor, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, defrocked 400 priests for sexual abuse of minors, Pope Francis decreed the immediate removal of priestly faculties for 300 priests from Europe and... Read More
Man Found Dead After Botched Homily
A man whose body was found in a pew at St. Cecila’s Church Friday died from blunt trauma to the heart, the San Bernardino County medical examiners office found after autopsies performed this morning. “We can’t say much at... Read More
Man Dressed As Tabernacle At Halloween Party Ignored; Is Moved To Corner Of Room
According to reports from several eyewitnesses moments ago, 27-year-old Emmanuel Dickens, who showed up to a Halloween party dressed as his favorite tabernacle, was promptly ignored and escorted to the corner of the room. The party’s... Read More
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Libs & Trads
Pope Michael Doesn’t Know What All The Commotion Is About
Belvue, KS–Sources close to Pope Michael are strongly denying reports out Monday morning claiming that the pontiff will be retiring at the end of February.... Read More
Catholics For Choice Asks Vatican To Allow Abortions In Cases of Rape, Incest, Impending Prom
The pro-choice organization Catholics for Choice today sent a request to the Vatican asking them to ease restrictions on abortion in cases of rape, incest, and impending... Read More
New Evidence Reveals The Mass Was Founded In 1965
Los Angeles, CA–A Loyola Marymount professor Wednesday found what he is considering undeniable evidence of his theory that the Mass was founded in 1965, as... Read More
Grief Counselors Dispatched To San Diego After New Progressive Bishop Named
A mobile team of professional grief counselors and psychologists from Lockword & Sandersen Mental Health, Inc., a clinic based in Raleigh, North Carolina, has... Read More
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Politics
Local Christian Still Pretty Hopeful Abortion Soon To Be Banned After Brett Kavanaugh Sides With Planned Parenthood
Telling fellow parishioners that even though Brett Kavanaugh for... Read More
PETA Protesters Throw Paint On Francis For Wearing Lamb
PHOTO: OSSERVATORE ROMANO/REUTERS Gatecrashing St. Peter’s Square this... Read More
Francis Pulls Vatican Out Of The “Columbia House 8 CDs For A Penny” Deal
Pope Francis announced Tuesday that he will withdraw the Vatican from... Read More
Nancy Pelosi Named Speaker Of The Church
Image: Gage Skidmore Nancy Pelosi became the most powerful person... Read More
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Vatican
Pope Francis Tells Total Prick: “God Loves You, But The Rest Of Us Think You’re An Ass”
A prick, who has been a complete and utter bastard to friends and strangers... Read More
CDF Directs Enthusiasts Not To Host Bigfoot “Seers”
Bear Valley, CA–At the direction of the California Department of Forestry... Read More
Papal Conclave Error: Burke Wins Papacy After Conclave Mix-Up
Image:Нұрлан Саят In an epic mistake that drew gasps from Catholics and... Read More
Vatican To Issue Martin Luther Tramp Stamps
According to several reports out today, the Vatican will be issuing lower back tattoos... Read More