People Preparing McCarrick Report Same People As Counting Votes In Nevada
After days of ballot counting in Nevada, officials from the state revealed earlier this morning that they were, in fact, the same people that were... Read More
Mass
“We’re Taking All The Good Seats On Christmas, And You’re Gonna Stand There And Like It,” Nominal Catholics Report
YOUR PARISH––”We’re taking every pew and every freaking seat in the house tonight and tomorrow, and you’re just gonna have to stand there and like it,” bitter Christmas/Easter Catholics told the nation’s practicing... Read More
Irish Priests To Extend Confession Times To 8 Hours A Day Because Of “Gargantuan” Number Of Penitents
DUBLIN––At the annual conference of the Association of Catholic Priests in Dublin, pastors from across Ireland gathered to voice their concerns about the “gargantuan” number of Catholics going to confession. “This is a full... Read More
The “Brown Note” Proven True Seconds After “Gather Us In” Begins
The infrasonic sound that some have said causes people to lose control of their bowels was proven true just seconds after the hymn Gather Us In began last Sunday. Director of Acoustic Resonance and Church Worship at the Vatican Michelle Klinsmann... Read More
Area Catholic Confirms Too Many Obligations To Make It To Mass On Holy Day Of Obligation
Rancho San Diego, CA––29-year-old Catholic Tony Rigali confirmed to his family earlier today that due to all the “things on his plate,” he would be, unfortunately, having to skip Holy Day of Obligation Mass today in honor of... Read More
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Libs & Trads
Middle-Aged White Woman Gyrating Near Altar Just Like They Do In Kenya
Image: auntjojo 52-year-old liturgical dancing sensation Grace Weaver confirmed this morning that she planned on gyrating like all hell during Mass “just like... Read More
Jesuit Celebrates Halloween By Dressing Up In “Priest Costume”
Hoping to surprise his family and friends at Holy Trinity Parish’s annual Halloween Breakfast this morning, local Jesuit Fr. Walter Allen arrived dressed... Read More
Liberal Catholic University To Replace Church With Massive Cafeteria
Miami, FL––To help accommodate the diverse palates of Mater Dei University’s large Catholic student-body, President Jon Heinz has announced plans to... Read More
New Orlando Parish To Be Named “Our Lady Of Good Intentions”
Orlando, FL––After months of debate, officials have confirmed that a new Catholic church slated to be built this summer has officially been named Our Lady of... Read More
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Politics
Catholic Democrats Vote In Referendum To Secede From Catholicism
Washington—Catholic Democrats voted to secede from the Catholic Church... Read More
Ireland Approves Reentry Of Snakes Into Country By Popular Vote
Ireland overwhelmingly approved a referendum to allow “snakes” back... Read More
Montana Bishop Candidate Allegedly Body Slams Catholic News Agency Reporter
Bodyslam-Hugo Fernandes Just days after rumors emerged that Montana... Read More
Last Remaining Christian Living In Jerusalem Excited About Papal Visit
JERUSALEM–Just a day before Pope Francis makes his first Papal Visit... Read More
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Vatican
Vatican Considering Possibility Of Allowing Priests To Confess Their Sins In The Mirror
Image: Ricardo André Frantz Pope Francis has established a commission to study... Read More
Pontifical Swiss Guard To Remove “Pontifical” From Name
Image:gnuckx In an effort to become more inclusive, The Pontifical Swiss Guard... Read More
Report: New Evidence Shows Lazarus Fell Off Donkey, Died Just Hours After Being Brought Back To Life
A bible found in Turkey earlier this month has stunned the Christian world... Read More
Swiss Guard Wondering Where The Hell All The Action Is
Image:gnuckx New member of the Swiss Guard Leon Habsburg has reportedly made... Read More