Daylight Savings News: Sedevacantist Family Moves Clocks Back Seven Centuries

After having set the family clock back seven centuries for daylight savings this past weekend, patriarch of a local sedevacantist family told EOTT this morning that, although he was excited about moving the clock back to “a better time,” that it was still weird getting used to the time change. “Oh, it’s always weird trying to adjust to a time change,” said a sick Jeremy Miller as he... Read More

Disobedient SSPV Woman Wearing Shoes In Kitchen

Fillmore, NY–Local member of the Society of St. Pius V Marisa Conti reported Tuesday that she planned to wear shoes in the kitchen despite a recent ruling by SSPV and her husband rejecting her request to wear shoes into the kitchen. “You know…putting on a pair of shoes before entering the kitchen will most certainly be the single most exhilarating moment of my life. I’m... Read More

“Sedevacantist Singles” Employees Not Sure Whether To Recognize Authority Of Company President

Seattle, WA–After being called in to a meeting by Sedevacantist Singles President Michael Hoffman early Thursday morning, employees of the ultra-traditionalist dating site were perplexed as to whether to acknowledge their CEO’s authority, and to attend the mandatory meeting, sources confirm. “I’m just not sure whether to believe he’s the real president,”... Read More

SSPV Apologize After Drone Targeting Novus Ordo Mass Accidentally Dropped On Taliban

Hoboken, NJ––An SSPV drone strike has accidentally killed three and injured four other Taliban members living in the U.S. Saturday, a spokesman for the Society confirmed before expressing sorrow for the wayward bomb that was originally meant to put a stop to a Novus Ordo Vigil Mass in Hoboken, New Jersey. In a statement to the AP, founder and leader of the sedevacantist organization Bishop... Read More

New Study: Sedevacantists Feeling Our Pain…A Lot

Oyster Bay Cove, NY–A new study out today by the Society of St. Pius V reveals that 85% of its members are currently feeling the pain of non-sedevacantist Catholics. The study, done at the Church of Saint Luke in Oyster Bay Cove, New York, asked 200 parishioners to rate how much of non-sedevacantist Catholics’ pain they felt in regards to the current Sede Vacante at the Vatican.... Read More