Ambitious Woman Chooses To Read “Verse In One Year Bible” As New Year’s Resolution

Charlotte, NC––After having failed to finish her One Year Bible for the third consecutive year in a row, Debbie Scholes of Charlotte, North Carolina committed herself yesterday to reading an entire verse from the Bible as her New Year’s resolution, sources confirmed. “She’s tried for years to read the entire Bible in a year, but she always just starts losing momentum... Read More

Family Fighting For Good Seats At Christmas Mass With The Zeal Of 12th Century Crusaders

Reporting that he and his family had been forced from their aisle seat just minutes after acquiring it, 48-year-old Brenden O’Malley told EOTT moments ago that he would “not rest till his aisle seat was once again reclaimed.” “Beset, as I was, and routed from my aisle seat by congregants that only attend the Holy Mass on Christmas and Easter, my family and I surrendered... Read More

“We’re Taking All The Good Seats On Christmas, And You’re Gonna Stand There And Like It,” Nominal Catholics Report

YOUR PARISH––”We’re taking every pew and every freaking seat in the house tonight and tomorrow, and you’re just gonna have to stand there and like it,” bitter Christmas/Easter Catholics told the nation’s practicing Catholics yesterday. “If we have to suffer and go, then you’re gonna suffer as we take your favorite weekly spot. You know which one…the... Read More

Jesus May Have Been Born Years After Pope Thinks, Claims Incoming Anglican Archbishop

CANTERBURY––The “mistake” was made by 21st century Pope and scholar known as Benedict XVI or God’s Rottweiler, the incoming Anglican Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby claims in his new book, Christ of Nazareth: The Baby Narratives, published on Thursday. “The Pope claims that the calculation of the beginning of our calendar, that being based on the birth of... Read More

Area Catholic Offended by the Phrase “Merry Christmas”

New York, NY––Local Catholic and Liturgical stickler Gerry Brownstone was offended earlier today when leaving his local Food-Mart, after the greeter wished him a “Merry Christmas.” “Who does that guy think he is, saying that to me?” Brownstone said. “Advent has barely begun. The Liturgical Calendar has a Christmas season, you ignoramus, and it begins after the... Read More

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