People Preparing McCarrick Report Same People As Counting Votes In Nevada

After days of ballot counting in Nevada, officials from the state revealed earlier this morning that they were, in fact, the same people that were... Read More

Mass

Man Dressed As Tabernacle At Halloween Party Ignored; Is Moved To Corner Of Room

According to reports from several eyewitnesses moments ago, 27-year-old Emmanuel Dickens, who showed up to a Halloween party dressed as his favorite tabernacle, was promptly ignored and escorted to the corner of the room. The party’s... Read More

Liturgical Dancer Tests Positive For Performance-Enhancing Drugs

It is being reported this morning that world-renowned liturgical dancer Doris Griffin has tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs. A USCCB spokesman said that trace amounts of an illegal substance were found in Griffin’s blood... Read More

New State-Of-The-Art Church Promises Comforts Of The Future

LONDON––A new state-of-the-art church in London opened today with Christmas/Easter size crowds eager for an opportunity to experience the next generation of churches. St. Joseph Cupertino Parish pastor Roger O’Malley gave Eye of... Read More

“Our Father” Ringtone Conveniently Goes Off During “Our Father,” Keeping Everyone In Key

Topeka, KS–According to sources at Our Lady Star of the Sea Parish in Topeka, Kansas, a phone belonging to an unidentified person went off early Sunday morning during the Our Father, despite the pastor’s repeated requests that... Read More

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Libs & Trads

New Study: Sedevacantists Feeling Our Pain…A Lot

Oyster Bay Cove, NY–A new study out today by the Society of St. Pius V reveals that 85% of its members are currently feeling the pain of non-sedevacantist... Read More

Sophisticated Lefeverist Smuggling Tunnel Found Under Vatican Walls

  The largest cross-boarder Lefeverist smuggling tunnel to date was discovered in a midnight raid earlier today by Swiss Guards.  The smugglers fled, abandoning... Read More

SSPV Apologize After Drone Targeting Novus Ordo Mass Accidentally Dropped On Taliban

Hoboken, NJ––An SSPV drone strike has accidentally killed three and injured four other Taliban members living in the U.S. Saturday, a spokesman for the Society... Read More

Dejected Stars Ryan Gosling And Emma Stone To Teach Liturgical Dance At Next Year’s LA LA Religious Education Conference

After a humiliating loss for Best Picture at this year’s Academy Awards, desperate La La Land stars Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone have signed a one-weekend... Read More

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Politics

Benedictines Suspend Monk For Bullying Novice

Miami, FL–Benedictines from around the country are calling on the... Read More

Satanists Sue Fr. Frank Pavone For Copyright Infringement

Officials at the Satanic organization Blaspheme Inc. announced today that... Read More

Vatican Investigating Possible Russian Orthodox Hack Of 2013 Papal Elections

In a surprise press conference today, Monsignor Buonarroti, Head of the... Read More

Nancy Pelosi Recites Her Favorite Bible Verse: “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger”

Image: Gage Skidmore House Speaker Nancy Pelosi quoted her favorite... Read More

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Vatican

Pope Francis Apologizes For Prank Video Message To Evangelicals

Pope Francis is apologizing this morning after it was revealed that a video of the... Read More

Pope Sees Own Shadow; Predicts Six More Decades Of Francis Papacy

  The world’s most famous pope foresees no early end to his papacy. The Pope’s... Read More

Cardinal Kasper Adds Three Sacraments

Vatican City––Citing the need for the Church to “update herself with modern... Read More

Francis Declares Plane Interviews New Authoritative Form Of Magisterial Teaching

Pope Francis gave a press conference on his flight back to Rome Thursday, declaring... Read More

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