Catholic Apologist With Fear Of Public Speaking Pictures Everyone In Audience With Bare Shoulders

Just seconds after walking on stage for his new talk on Mary, local Catholic apologist and glossophopic Jason O’Connor closed his eyes and pictured everyone in attendance with their shoulders bare in a desperate attempt to stop him from hyperventilating.   “It was really bad,” O’Connor told EOTT shortly after his talk. “It’s always bad, really. I get up there on to the sanctuary and I begin to feel real hot and begin to sweat, so... Read More

World’s Foremost Liturginazi Dies

The world’s foremost liturginazi died peacefully this past week at his home in Kansas City. Originally from Cody, Wyoming, Gerard Schmitz moved to Kansas City to pursue his passion for liturgical criticism. Schmitz was the founding member of the Phineas Society for Liturgical Purity, an international organization that tracks and ranks liturgical corrections, and was credited with 39,587 liturgical corrections over his lifetime, an astounding... Read More

New GraceFace App Reveals What Users Will Look Like After The Resurrection Of The Body

Piggy-backing off the recent excitement over FaceApp, Catholic developers have released GraceFace, an application that reveals what users will look like for all eternity.             “Like FaceApp, GraceFace uses a phone’s camera to take a picture of the user, but it then projects what their body will look like following the Resurrection of the Body at the end of time,” said Ken Carson, lead developer for GraceFace. “People love... Read More

Insufferable Little Prick Online Trying To Get People To Use The Word ‘Godincidence’

In an effort to convince more of his “fellow Christians” of the fact that there is no such thing as coincidence late last week, local insufferable man Alex Duggan has reportedly begun a campaign to get more Christians to use the word “Godincidence.” “There is no such thing as coincidence,” the little prick told people on several blog threads, going on to explain how everything had a purpose, either created or allowed by God. “When... Read More

Vatican Opens Cause Of Canonization For Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg After Mistakenly Believing Her Dead And Incorrupt

Much to its embarrassment, it was discovered this week that the Congregation for the Causes of Saints had an open file on United States Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. An EOTT investigation revealed that Justice Ginsburg’s cause was opened after an undersecretary of the Congregation, Msgr. Nicola Tarducci, became convinced that Justice Ginsburg was incorrupt. This past November, Msgr. Tarducci saw a picture of Justice Ginsburg taken... Read More

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