With No Sports Stars To Idolize, Local Christian Temporarily Forced To Worship God

Guest Writer: Kevin Kukla (ProLife365.com) With no reason to check on any of his fantasy leagues, local sports fanatic Tom Wilhelm reluctantly announced Tuesday morning that he planned to renew a former passion of his–a daily prayer life with God. “He’s now hitting his knees every morning and every night!” reported his wife, Tammy.  “When this COVID-19 lockdown went into place, he emerged from his man cave for the first time in... Read More

“Before Washington Was, I AM,” Trump Tells Reporters

Image: Gage Skidmore Speaking to a small crowd gathered outside the recently relocated American Embassy in Jerusalem, President Trump claimed himself Divine. ​“What people don’t understand is that I AM,” Trump told the crowd. “Before Washington, before the UN, even before Queen Elizabeth! I don’t need to play by their rules, because I make the rules.” ​“It seems that President Trump has personally affirmed what many have long-thought... Read More

Female TAC Student Can’t Believe You’ve Never Read Kristin Lavransdatter

*Spoilers* Expressing her disbelief that you’ve never read Kristin Lavransdatter, local Thomas Aquinas College student Amanda Jones has announced that she demands that you read the books now, sources have reported. “You have got to be kidding me,” Jones said for the third consecutive time before entering adoration. “How have you never read the series? Were you raised by pagans? Seriously, this series has everything. Think... Read More

New Evidence Suggests the Real Reason St. Peter Denied Jesus Was Because Christ Healed His Mother-in-Law

By Kevin Kukla (ProLife365.com) In a shocking discovery earlier this month, biblical archeologists uncovered ancient papyri near the tomb of St. Peter in Rome.  They are calling this the “Apocryphal Third Letter of St. Peter.” Biblical scholars have pored over the Greek text and have reported it contains St. Peter’s recording of his conversation with Jesus just outside the gates of Rome, following Christ’s Ascension into heaven.  “Quo... Read More

Young Family Of 8 Who Consistently Make It To Mass On Time Test Positive For Doping

The Sanderson family of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel parish become the second family to test positive for a banned substance at the 11:00 am morning Mass last month. But according to reports during the Sunday announcements, the substance involved was Opstreperezidine, a stimulant typically used to treat parents suffering from hearing the sound of “mom” and “dad” 500 times a day. This comes just weeks after the Berry’s of... Read More

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