Online Backbiting, Bickering About Receiving Communion In The Hand Expected To Reopen

Longtime combox contributor P90xcelsis Deo announced this morning that subjects such as receiving communion in the hands as well as holding hands during the Our Father were to reopen within the next couple of weeks. “This all depends on when certain dioceses reopen Masses to the public,” Deo wrote in all caps and three exclamation points. “Obviously the faster they open up, the faster we forget how thankful we are to actually just be there­––that’s... Read More

Gun-Toting, Covid-19 Infected Murder Hornets Enter The U.S.

Known by many in Asia as the “buzzing angel of death,” the Gun-Toting, Covid-19 Infected Murder Hornet has officially made its way into the United States. The hornet, known to terrorize and kill thousands of people a year, have for decades brandished assault riffles as they buzzed around metropolitan cities. But researchers at the St. Dominic of Silos Institute for Learning are now saying that the new bread of Gun-Toting Murder Hornet... Read More

Live-Streaming Priest Has Back Turned To Only Person In the Room

While saying Mass via live-stream early this morning, local priest Fr. Edward Riley took a brief moment to say a silent thank you to God for all that he has been given, before abruptly turning his back to the tabernacle, and thus the only person in the room beside himself, to face a camera. “Behold the Lamb of God. Behold him who takes away the sins of the world,” Riley said, making sure to keep his eyes squarely focused on all the empty... Read More

Local Catholic Binge Watches Last Five Masses To Get All Caught Up

Local Catholic Jerome Hensley told friends this afternoon that he would be unable to chat for the next few hours as he attempted to catch up on all the Masses he has missed since the beginning of his lockdown. “I know it’s a shame that I haven’t been live-streaming Mass with all the time I’ve had on my hands and all, but you get caught up watching one episode of Tiger King and next thing you know, you’re knee-deep in... Read More

God Kindly Asks Angels And Saints To Stand 6 Feet Apart When Praising and Worshiping Him

Citing CDC warnings that people stay six feet apart to reduce chances of catching or transmitting Covid-19, sources from the city of God revealed this morning that God Almighty planned to announce stronger measures to help curb the spread of the disease. “I think it’s pretty clear that God is planning to act so as to lessen transmissions,” St. Peter told those gathered near the pearly gates as he provided statistics showing that... Read More

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