Catholic Democrat Makes Holy Hour Before The Real Presence Of Obama

Ardent Catholic Democrat Gordon Frey arrived at the Church of the Sacred Heart of Obama for his scheduled Holy Hour earlier monday morning. 56-year-old Frey appeared in good spirits as he entered the adoration chapel, going down on both knees and uttering the customary words, “My president and my god.” “I’ve been coming here since they began adoration in ’08,” Frey said. “I feel like it gives me perspective after... Read More

Catholics For Choice Asks Vatican To Allow Abortions In Cases of Rape, Incest, Impending Prom

The pro-choice organization Catholics for Choice today sent a request to the Vatican asking them to ease restrictions on abortion in cases of rape, incest, and impending prom. The focus of the letter was aimed primarily at the subject of impending, “once in a lifetime” proms that many unfortunate teens are forced to miss due to unplanned and untimely pregnancies. The request, sent by Catholics for Choice President Jon O’Brian, was on... Read More

Pastor Encourages Parishoners To Use New Click-To-Confess Feature On Church Website

Raleigh, North Carolina––After revealing new updates to the parish website, pastor of St. Claire Church Fr. Nicholas Walker told his flock that should they have to confess, to henceforth do so by the new “Click-to-Confess” feature on the parish website. “I began to notice a rise in parishioners desiring confessions, but I couldn’t get to all of them with the 15 minutes I have allotted for confessions a week,” Walker... Read More

New State-Of-The-Art Church Promises Comforts Of The Future

LONDON––A new state-of-the-art church in London opened today with Christmas/Easter size crowds eager for an opportunity to experience the next generation of churches. St. Joseph Cupertino Parish pastor Roger O’Malley gave Eye of the Tiber an exclusive tour of the mega Catholic Church. “As you can see everyone gets their own synthetic leather recliner, which includes storage space to keep foods and drinks cold during Mass,” O’Malley... Read More

Swede Invents Thicker Confessional Walls; Wins Nobel Prize

Sweden––Alsog Dalgaard of Sweden has been awarded the Nobel Prize for his achievement in work in building thicker, more sound-resistant confessionals. The Nobel Prize committee awarded Dalgard the award “for discovery of ground-breaking methods that enable audibility-obstruction and buffering within confessionals.“ The former rocket scientist said he was at first hesitant to accept the challenge put forth by the Vatican 10 years earlier. “It... Read More

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