Liberal Catholic University To Replace Church With Massive Cafeteria

Miami, FL––To help accommodate the diverse palates of Mater Dei University’s large Catholic student-body, President Jon Heinz has announced plans to build the largest cafeteria in the U.S. The cafeteria, which is tentatively scheduled to be built in the summer of 2014, would eventually replace the university’s main church at the center of campus. The plan was announced in a letter to donors Friday requesting extra funds to help pay... Read More

Thousands Camp Outside Churches In Anticipation Of Black Friday Masses

Hundreds of church-goers stamped into Saint Theresa Parish on Black Friday, 2011, just moments before four are tragically trampled to death. As anticipated, thousands of church-goers have already camped out in front of churches all across the nation in anticipation of Black Friday Masses. Joseph Evanovich of New Orleans says that an opportunity to get closer to the tabernacle for Mass drove him to forgo traditional Thanksgiving day family gatherings. “I’ve... Read More

Man On Catholic Match Finally Ready To Message Kristin-51053

San Luis Obispo, CA––31-year-old Chuck-50012 has finally finished writing his message to Kristin-51053 after one month and 17 revisions his friends are now reporting. The web developer, who celebrated his fifth anniversary on Catholic Match last week, has been working, tirelessly, to write the perfect message. “I don’t usually spend this much time on a message,” Chuck-50012 said. “Usually I just write a couple lines, ‘Hey,... Read More

As Israel And Palestine Brace For War, Vatican Set To March On Jerusalem

TEL AVIV––After days of Israeli bombings in and around Gaza, Hamas has retaliated with a rocket that killed three just north of the Gaza Strip, bringing the death toll up to 19. As the conflict in the fragile region continues to escalate, some believe that the Vatican’s decision to send 100 Swiss Guards to march and retake Jerusalem a mistake. “I guess I’m just kinda confused,” Chief of General Staff for the Israeli Army Rav... Read More

Developing: Sick Man Attempting To Shake Your Hand During Sign Of Peace

Fort Worth, TX––It is being reported this second that the sick man who has been violently coughing into his hands all Mass has been feverishly trying to get your attention to shake hands during the Sign of Peace. “I already threw him a peace sign…why does he keep staring?” you ask yourself as you then begin to throw everyone else peace signs so as to have him believe that that’s just the way you do it. The stranger, who has... Read More

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