Report: Mahony’s Pretty Much Got This Pope Thing In The Bag

“The only question that remains is what name he shall take.” VATICAN CITY–The Italian Newspaper La Rupubblica is reporting today that a member of the Vatican Curia confirmed to them that, barring a shocking upset, the former head of the Los Angeles Diocese Cardinal Roger Mahony has all but locked up his spot as the Catholic Church’s 266th Bishop of Rome. “An anonymous member of the Curia has revealed to us that the... Read More

Pope To Move Crystal Cathedral To Rome?

(Photo: Crystal Cathedral, 21 June 2005/Nepenthes) Vatican City––According to the Vatican press office this week, tentative plans are being discussed with regards to a potential move of Orange County Diocese’s newly acquired Crystal Cathedral to Rome. The Cathedral was the home of the Reformed Church in America until it was bought out in 2010 by the Diocese of Orange. One Vatican official who asked to remain anonymous said Wednesday... Read More

[BREAKING] Benedict To Remain Pope, Area Catholic Dreaming

Albany, NY––Just days after he shocked the world by announcing his decision to retire at the end of the month, it is now being reported that Pope Benedict XVI has announced that he has, after much reflection, “decided to stay on board.” The decision was announced inside the slumbering brain of 26-year-old Catholic Robert Griffith just moment ago inside what appeared to be the Papal Palace, but in all actuality felt like it was his parents’... Read More

Area Catholic Preparing To Be Notified About Dirt On Forehead All Day Long

Watertown, MN––While receiving ashes on his forehead at St. Ignatius Catholic Church in Watertown, Minnesota early this morning, area Catholic Trevor Davis fervently prayed for patience to endure what he expected to be a “long day filled with well-intentioned, yet obnoxious remarks” about the dirt on his forehead. “Look, here’s the deal,” he reportedly told St. Monica, the Patron Saint of Patience, as he returned to... Read More

Pope Michael Doesn’t Know What All The Commotion Is About

Belvue, KS–Sources close to Pope Michael are strongly denying reports out Monday morning claiming that the pontiff will be retiring at the end of February. “His Holiness is deeply saddened by all the lies and hullabaloo that have been spread about him in the papers this morning stating that he is retiring due to health issues,” a source reported to his mailman. “His Holiness is in perfect health…in fact, he has all... Read More

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