Not Enough Banners In Churches Lately Biggest Problem Facing Catholic Church

Washington, D.C.–While the College of Cardinals meet to discuss the priorities of the Roman Catholic Church, and to select a new pope, a new survey shows that American Catholics see the diminishing number of banners inside their churches as the biggest problem facing the Catholic Church. A survey from the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life asked U.S. Catholics to describe the problems facing the Church, and found that 47% thought the most important... Read More

Catholic School Children Offended By Dumbed Down Homily

El Centro, CA–Students at St. Therese of Carmel Acadamy walked out of Mass confounded earlier this morning after parish priest Fr. Ted Cordova delivered an over simplified homily about the Lord’s command to forgive “not seven but seventy-seven times.” “My mind’s still totally blown away with how stupid Fr. Ted thinks we are,” 8th grader Mary Brueland told Eye of the Tiber as she tried to make sense of the... Read More

New Study: Sedevacantists Feeling Our Pain…A Lot

Oyster Bay Cove, NY–A new study out today by the Society of St. Pius V reveals that 85% of its members are currently feeling the pain of non-sedevacantist Catholics. The study, done at the Church of Saint Luke in Oyster Bay Cove, New York, asked 200 parishioners to rate how much of non-sedevacantist Catholics’ pain they felt in regards to the current Sede Vacante at the Vatican. “We asked them to rate their feelings on a scale... Read More

Mars Curiosity Rover Successfully Reaches Jesuit Seminary

Berkeley, CA––NASA announced Tuesday that its 2.5 billion dollar Mars Curiosity Rover has successfully touched down in the Jesuit Seminary in Berkeley. For close to a decade, the Church and NASA alike have been fascinated with the possibility that the Jesuit seminary might at one time have contained the chemical resources and ingredients needed to support a religious community. The Rover has already begun to send back images to the NASA... Read More

Wind Gust Nearly Blows Off Benedict’s Zucchetto, Leading Media To Speculate About More Stuff

VATICAN CITY–Media outlets around the world are buzzing with speculation this evening after viewing images showing Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI’s zucchetto nearly blowing off his head before the former pontiff entered the helicopter taking him to Castle Gondolfo. The 85-year-old former Pope was seen desperately clutching his signature white zucchetto as a gentle gust of wind pressed against him, nearly tipping the skullcap off... Read More

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