Pope Francis To Work Midnight Shift At McDonald’s to Help The Poor

ROME––The new Holy Father, after paying his hotel bill the day of his election to “give an example to priests,” has decided to submit an application to work the midnight shift at the McDonald’s on Via Del Corso in order to “make a few extra clams” to give to the poor. “My children, as St. Paul reminded the Thessalonians: ‘For you remember our labor and toil, brethren; we worked night and day, that we might... Read More

Berkeley Sophomore Anxiously Considering Coming Out Of Closet To Reveal He’s Opposed To Gay Marriage

Berkley, CA–University of California, Berkeley student Emanuel Ramsey revealed to Eye of the Tiber today that he was extremely nervous about possibly coming out of the closet to friends and fellow classmates about his opposition to gay marriage. The 20-year-old sophomore reported that he always felt like something was different about himself, saying that he first felt the “burning desire” to stand up against gay marriage when he... Read More

New Archbishop of Canterbury Makes Compelling Case For Gay Marriage

ENGLAND–The Most Reverend Justin Welby was formally enthroned earlier today as the Anglican Church’s 105th Archbishop of Canterbury. The ceremony took place in the 900-year-old Canterbury Cathedral in southern England, where Welby told those in attendance that he hoped to usher the Anglican community toward a more “Christ-liberated courage” in regards to acceptance of all lifestyles. Dressed in a cope, stole, and ornate,... Read More

[Breaking] Biden Steps Down As VP Hours After Becoming Pro-Life

Former Vice President Joe Biden attending Pope Francis’ Installation Mass. Washington, DC––Vice President Joe Biden announced today that he was stepping down as Vice President just hours after an altercation on the phone between Biden and President Obama regarding the sanctity of life. This comes on the heels of Biden’s visit with with Pope Francis after the conclusion of the pope’s Installation Mass, in which Biden could be heard... Read More

“Why Ain’t Nobody Singin’ Back the Responsory?” Lector Wondering. “My Arms Is Raised Up High Like They Supposed To Be”

Knoxville, TN––Lector at St. Hildegund Catholic Church in Nashville, Tennessee Helen Banks is currently questioning why parishioners are neglecting to sing the Responsory after clearly being given the cue to respond. “Why ain’t hardly nobody singin’?” Banks is thinking to herself as she raises up her arms in the air for yet another attempt. “‘The Lord has done great things for us…we are filled with joy.’ Nothing?... Read More

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