“Sedevacantist Singles” Employees Not Sure Whether To Recognize Authority Of Company President

Seattle, WA–After being called in to a meeting by Sedevacantist Singles President Michael Hoffman early Thursday morning, employees of the ultra-traditionalist dating site were perplexed as to whether to acknowledge their CEO’s authority, and to attend the mandatory meeting, sources confirm. “I’m just not sure whether to believe he’s the real president,” said Barbara Dolby, a new employee of the company. “Many... Read More

SSPV Apologize After Drone Targeting Novus Ordo Mass Accidentally Dropped On Taliban

Hoboken, NJ––An SSPV drone strike has accidentally killed three and injured four other Taliban members living in the U.S. Saturday, a spokesman for the Society confirmed before expressing sorrow for the wayward bomb that was originally meant to put a stop to a Novus Ordo Vigil Mass in Hoboken, New Jersey. In a statement to the AP, founder and leader of the sedevacantist organization Bishop Clarance Kelly said that he and other members of the traditionalist... Read More

Millions To Miss Pope’s Global Hour Of Adoration Due To Super Busy Schedules

World, The–Citing “super busy” schedules, millions from around the globe are reporting that they unfortunately are not going to be able to make it to the first-ever Worldwide Eucharistic Adoration led by Pope Francis this Sunday. The news comes as a shock to many in the Vatican who were counting on the millions of Catholics from around the world to show up so that Pope Francis would not have to cover their hour. Millions, who originally planned... Read More

Man In Search Of Answers Closes Eyes, Flips Through Bible, Says “Stop,” “Left Page,” “Right Column”

Bowling Green, KY––It was reported earlier this morning that 31-year-old Alvin Rush, who just hours ago left a job interview, recently sat down to pray about his future before giving up, and picking up a Bible to flip through at random for an answer. A longtime friend of Rush, Jerry Rodgers, told Eye of the Tiber that Rush had dwelt about the job for hours before finally deciding to spend some time in prayer. “Well, we knelt and prayed together,... Read More

Parishioner At The Back Of Long Confession Line Sure Is Optimistic

Brooklyn, NY–Walking to the back of a nauseatingly long confession line with only five minutes to go before Mass yesterday evening, an undeterred and naively optimistic Christopher Repin smiled and greeted penitents in front of him. “God bless you guys,” a cheerful and relaxed Repin told people around him as he held up two fingers in a peace sign for those near the front of the line. Sources say that Repin appeared so at ease in... Read More

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