Pelosi On Virgin Sacrifices During Satanic Masses: “This Is Sacred Ground To Me As Well”

Washington, DC––Members of the pro-life movement have denounced House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi after remarks that she, as a Catholic, viewed the protection of the sacrifice of virgins during Black Masses as sacred ground. “As a practicing and respectful Catholic, this is sacred ground to me when we talk about this,” Pelosi said in a statement last week, going on to say that the subject of sacrificing the life of a worthy virgin... Read More

Homily Never Going To End, Sources Confirm

Galveston, TX–Multiple sources at Prince of Peace Catholic Church in Galveston, Texas have just confirmed that parish pastor Fr. Robert Warner is “never going to wrap up his freaking homily.” 29-year-old mother of three Katrin Flores told Eye of the Tiber that Warner, whose homily was now running more than 25 minutes long, did not seem to be losing any steam whatsoever. “There was a couple times there where we thought he was about... Read More

Diocese Of Fairbanks, Arkansas To Evangelize Modern World By Obtaining An Email Address

Fairbanks, AR–Citing a need to “engage the modern world” and “reach out to the estranged youth of America,” the Office of Evangelization for the Catholic Diocese of Fairbanks, Arkansas faxed a report to the Associated Press this morning confirming plans that the Diocese will soon be obtaining an email address. “Once our modem is hooked up, we will be able to take part in the world wide webs,” a secretary told Eye... Read More

“Pope Literally Meant A Flamboyantly Decorated Lobby,” Vatican Clarifies

VATICAN–Being interviewed via Skype hours ago, Spokesman for the Vatican Press Office Monsignor Bernard Hopkins clarified recent remarks made to a Latin American Church group by Pope Francis admitting the existence of a “gay lobby” in the Vatican. “It is true what the Holy Father said about there being a gay lobby in the Vatican, but it is not as many have speculated,” Hopkins told Eye of the Tiber from inside the site... Read More

Report: Man Who’s Never Killed Anyone Or Anything Like That Doesn’t Need To Go To Confession

Pittsburgh, PA––A new report out today by area Catholic Marcus Dietrich’s conscience revealed that the 31-year-old father of two is most certainly not in need of the Sacrament of Confession, thanks to never having killed anyone or anything terrible like that. Data compiled by Dietrich after a moment’s reflection upon entering church this morning also showed that he was, indeed, in a proper disposition to receive Communion despite a... Read More

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