Clown At Circus Mass Reprimanded For Honking Sanctus Horn At Wrong Part Of Consecration

Sources say that just minutes after a Circus Mass at St. Pius X Catholic Church concluded earlier this morning, Church Pastor and Ring Master Fr. Reggie Smith reprimanded a clown deacon for having honked the Sanctus Horn several seconds after the consecration. “The GIRM clearly states that a little before the Consecration, when appropriate, a server honks a horn as a signal to the audience,” an infuriated Smith told EOTT as he kissed and... Read More

Breaking Bad Finale: Walter White’s Issues Revealed As Consequence Of Poor Childhood Catechesis

Albuquerque, NM–After five seasons, the critically acclaimed AMC drama Breaking Bad came to end last night with a stunning twist revealing that the string of incidents that caused a high school chemistry teacher to go rogue could have been avoided had it not been for the awful catechesis he received in the 1970’s. “I wanted to write something that was believable, but that would catch everyone off-guard,” said Breaking Bad producer... Read More

Disobedient SSPV Woman Wearing Shoes In Kitchen

Fillmore, NY–Local member of the Society of St. Pius V Marisa Conti reported Tuesday that she planned to wear shoes in the kitchen despite a recent ruling by SSPV and her husband rejecting her request to wear shoes into the kitchen. “You know…putting on a pair of shoes before entering the kitchen will most certainly be the single most exhilarating moment of my life. I’m actually scared that, not being used to the feeling of... Read More

The Dark Lord Sauron To Head Upcoming LCWR Annual Assembly

MORDOR––Sister Florence Deacon announced today that the upcoming annual assembly for the Leadership Conference of Women Religious would be taking place at the smoldering base of Mount Doom in Mordor, and would be lead by the Dark Lord Sauron. The announcement came in a joint statement between LCWR leaders and numerous well know officials from the lands surrounding Mordor including Azog the Defiler, Uruk-hai Scout Captain Ugluk, Orc Captain of... Read More

Mystery Priest At Car Accident Revealed, Heralded As Courageous Man Who Wore Clerics In Public

The “Missouri Miracle” mystery priest who ministered to Katie Lentz following a head-on crash with another vehicle came forward yesterday morning and revealed himself on the National Catholic Register. Today we learn more about the courageous priest who dared to wear his clerics in public despite the ridicule he would potentially receive from other priests in the area. Officer James Rigby with the Missouri State Highway Patrol told EOTT that... Read More

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