Church Creates Guidelines For Proper Veneration Of Keanu Reeves

Earlier this week, the Congregation for the Causes of Saints issued new guidelines on the proper care, handling, and veneration of Keanu Reeves. The new instructions go into 90-pages of detail on how bishops are to handle Keanu Reeves when his body and soul are “on pilgrimage” within their territory. Article 31: Keanu Reeves can be carried in pilgrimage to different places within the confines of the same diocese or eparchy. In such a case,... Read More

New GraceFace App Reveals What Users Will Look Like After The Resurrection Of The Body

Piggy-backing off the recent excitement over FaceApp, Catholic developers have released GraceFace, an application that reveals what users will look like for all eternity.             “Like FaceApp, GraceFace uses a phone’s camera to take a picture of the user, but it then projects what their body will look like following the Resurrection of the Body at the end of time,” said Ken Carson, lead developer for GraceFace. “People love... Read More

Insufferable Little Prick Online Trying To Get People To Use The Word ‘Godincidence’

In an effort to convince more of his “fellow Christians” of the fact that there is no such thing as coincidence late last week, local insufferable man Alex Duggan has reportedly begun a campaign to get more Christians to use the word “Godincidence.” “There is no such thing as coincidence,” the little prick told people on several blog threads, going on to explain how everything had a purpose, either created or allowed by God. “When... Read More

Vatican Opens Cause Of Canonization For Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg After Mistakenly Believing Her Dead And Incorrupt

Much to its embarrassment, it was discovered this week that the Congregation for the Causes of Saints had an open file on United States Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. An EOTT investigation revealed that Justice Ginsburg’s cause was opened after an undersecretary of the Congregation, Msgr. Nicola Tarducci, became convinced that Justice Ginsburg was incorrupt. This past November, Msgr. Tarducci saw a picture of Justice Ginsburg taken... Read More

Man Expelled from Charismatic Prayer Group After Speaking Real Language

A man was kicked out of St. Robert Catholic Church’s Wednesday evening Charismatic Prayer group after he began to speak a real foreign language during a “prayer session.” Jonathan Spencer, 43, had recently begun attending the group’s weekly prayer meetings, but will not be returning anytime soon. “We were all together there in the room,” said Spencer. “Some people were jumping around, others were clicking and making all sorts of... Read More

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