Local Catholic Binge Watches Last Five Masses To Get All Caught Up

Local Catholic Jerome Hensley told friends this afternoon that he would be unable to chat for the next few hours as he attempted to catch up on all the Masses he has missed since the beginning of his lockdown. “I know it’s a shame that I haven’t been live-streaming Mass with all the time I’ve had on my hands and all, but you get caught up watching one episode of Tiger King and next thing you know, you’re knee-deep in... Read More

God Kindly Asks Angels And Saints To Stand 6 Feet Apart When Praising and Worshiping Him

Citing CDC warnings that people stay six feet apart to reduce chances of catching or transmitting Covid-19, sources from the city of God revealed this morning that God Almighty planned to announce stronger measures to help curb the spread of the disease. “I think it’s pretty clear that God is planning to act so as to lessen transmissions,” St. Peter told those gathered near the pearly gates as he provided statistics showing that... Read More

With No Sports Stars To Idolize, Local Christian Temporarily Forced To Worship God

Guest Writer: Kevin Kukla (ProLife365.com) With no reason to check on any of his fantasy leagues, local sports fanatic Tom Wilhelm reluctantly announced Tuesday morning that he planned to renew a former passion of his–a daily prayer life with God. “He’s now hitting his knees every morning and every night!” reported his wife, Tammy.  “When this COVID-19 lockdown went into place, he emerged from his man cave for the first time in... Read More

“Before Washington Was, I AM,” Trump Tells Reporters

Image: Gage Skidmore Speaking to a small crowd gathered outside the recently relocated American Embassy in Jerusalem, President Trump claimed himself Divine. ​“What people don’t understand is that I AM,” Trump told the crowd. “Before Washington, before the UN, even before Queen Elizabeth! I don’t need to play by their rules, because I make the rules.” ​“It seems that President Trump has personally affirmed what many have long-thought... Read More

Female TAC Student Can’t Believe You’ve Never Read Kristin Lavransdatter

*Spoilers* Expressing her disbelief that you’ve never read Kristin Lavransdatter, local Thomas Aquinas College student Amanda Jones has announced that she demands that you read the books now, sources have reported. “You have got to be kidding me,” Jones said for the third consecutive time before entering adoration. “How have you never read the series? Were you raised by pagans? Seriously, this series has everything. Think... Read More

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