Religious Orders Call On MLB To Force San Diego Padres To Change Name

Dozens of Catholic religious leaders and communities sent a letter to MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred Monday asking the league to force the Padres organization to change their team name to something less offensive. The letter obtained by EOTT demands the league to stop all use of “Catholic names and depictions,” and specifically asks the Padres in general to “cease all papist caricatures.” “You have sports teams like the Padres, which... Read More

Indecisive Couple Names Baby “Francis Viganò”

After months of considering what to name their first born son, local indecisive Catholic couple Maryann Reynolds and her Knight of Columbus Freemason husband Edward have finally decided to settle on the name Francis Viganò, the couple told EOTT this morning.  “We’re just so excited,” Maryann said as she ordered her bookshelf, placing Hans Küng’s What I Believe next to Marcel Lafebvre’s I Accuse The Council! “At... Read More

Pope Michael Not Sure What To Do With $1.6 Billion Dollar Check From Government

Pope Michael has been granted $1.6 billion dollars in federal coronavirus aid, and the co-called “true” Vicar of Christ has no clue what to do with it. “If you’re wondering what I’m wondering, which is how did I get approved for $1.6 billion in federal aid without even applying for it, well, I think I have an answer,” said Pope Michael preparing to jump off his diving board and into his pool which was now filled... Read More

New Study Finds People Are Immune To COVID-19 While Rioting And Looting

By Kevin Kukla (ProLife365.com) Mainstream media outlets from across the country this morning have been reporting on a breakthrough study that shows that to build immunity to COVID-19, all one has to do is to stand in the middle of a riot while holding a looted item. “We are not sure, but we suspect stolen cardboard packages containing such items as television sets, video game systems, and the like, work best to create some kind of protective... Read More

Parishioners Eagerly Anticipate Return To Distant, Unwelcoming Community

With Masses resuming in the next couple of weeks, many Catholics are now eagerly anticipating their first non-virtual interaction with the distant, unwelcoming community that they haven’t seen in months. As bishops and priests from across the country prepare for the monumental task of reopening churches with strict guidelines, many are looking forward to their first Mass with their cold and detached parishioners. “It’s really... Read More

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